19 Weeks and Crying

I don’t remember being a total emotional mess when I was pregnant with Nate. I was scatter-brained and could hardly talk because I was always grasping for the word that was just on the tip of my tongue…this time around I am a big fat mess. Nate’s Pre-K graduation was last Friday and I took tissues with me knowing I would cry. Luckily his friend’s mom had been crying all day so I didn’t feel too terrible and when we began crying at the same time and I was able to offer her a tissue I felt a little better. Something about seeing these little kids dressed in their caps and gowns singing a cute song really got to me. I was also sad because it makes me think about him starting kindergarten and I hope that he will be back on track with his emotional issues.

Knowing how easily I cry (driving to work I hear ANY song and just start tearing up) I made the terrible mistake of watching I’m Having Their Baby. In case you have never heard of it, it’s a reality show on the WE network and it follows pregnant woman in their 3rd trimester as they struggle with their decision to give their unborn children up for adoption. If I wasn’t pregnant I would cry while watching this but now I bawl as I watch it. I sit in bed and do the ugly cry while these women sign away their rights to their tiny little babies in the bassinet beside them. The thing that really gets me is that most of the episodes I have seen involve women who already have children and the fathers are sometimes even still in the picture yet they realize they cannot afford to keep the child. Now you can argue that they shouldn’t have gotten themselves in the situation to begin with, but I cannot imagine carrying a child for 9 months knowing that I would have to give that baby away, and I commend them for knowing that the child can have a better life with someone else. I want to cry just thinking about it. Damn!

My forgetfulness is becoming a joke around my office. I stammer and stutter trying to come up with the word I am trying to say and the ladies think it’s hysterical that I am losing my mind. I am well known around the office for my elephant like memory so when I begin to forget things in general and can’t even talk they know it’s bad. This kid is sucking the life out of me. Of course this time around I know that I will bounce back to my old self in time once this little boy is born. Last time I was afraid that “mommy brain” was a debilitating disease that would never end. Now I know that it never really goes away and the cause is major exhaustion from lack of sleep for YEARS but it does get better. Nate has been sleeping in his bed for quite some time now…just in time for this little one to keep me up all night…