I Need a Backiotomy

Two weeks ago today I had my epidural and I am happy to report that today is my best day so far. I had my first massage in 3 weeks yesterday and the small amount of pain that I was still experiencing disappeared after 10 minutes on the table. I love my massage therapist because she is similar to a psychic in that she can touch me and know exactly what hurts and why. Anatomy is an amazing thing especially when it comes to pain management. I’m skipping ahead though…let’s start at the beginning.

In 2004 I began having pain in my left calf that was diagnosed as referred pain from 2 herniated disks in my lower back. Eventually the pain was so bad in my leg that I had trouble walking and was basically living on pain pills to get to sleep every night. I finally went to an orthopedist and was diagnosed with a benign tumor in my calf that was in the muscle and attached to nerves. I had it removed and my leg and back both improved. When I was pregnant with Nate in 2008 I had no back pain even with the extra 30 pounds I was carrying and it was a miracle. Over the last 4 years I have had pain on and off because of picking him up and carrying him, yard work, cleaning and honestly because once you have a back injury you are more prone to have another.

In April of this year I started to have pain on my right side and it goes down my butt and my leg – classic sciatic pain. I began going for weekly massages, which helps, and I finally got an appointment to see my neurologist in June. He sent me for an MRI and it revealed that I have central and right herniated disks. He suggested I go to their Pain Management Clinic for an epidural so I could avoid pain pills. I agreed and I am so glad I did.

From what I read online I expected to be there for at least an hour or so because it sounded time consuming so I had my friend drop me off and take Nate to the park. I filled out some forms and they took me right in and asked me to change into a gown (opening in the back) and some black paper shorts. The doctor came in and asked a few questions. Since I have pain on both sides she decided to do a central line so I could have relief on both sides. They took me into a surgical looking room (it was much warmer than an operating room – both temperature and décor) and had me lay on the table face down with a pillow under my stomach. There was a TV monitor above me that showed an x-ray of my back so she could see where she was putting in the epidural. I looked at the floor while the doctor swabbed my back with betadine and she gave me a shot of novacane (not just for dentists!) so I wouldn’t feel anything. She talked me through putting in the epidural and then she said I would feel pressure as she put in the medicine. I felt a weird sensation in my lower back and then down both legs and I was done. She took it out and they removed my IV and I was off to recovery.

It was amazing to have instant relief after months of constant pain. My massage therapist always tells me that she cannot believe that I can tolerate as much pain as I do. I try to not let it affect my daily life because it would be too depressing if I did.  Besides, I have had 2 bouts of kidney stones and gave birth vaginally so on a scale on 1 to kill me I can handle some back pain. I had a follow up appointment last week and I was told that I am a perfect patient and should continue with epidurals as needed. She suggested I lose weight (as if I don’t beat myself up enough about that), swim for cardio (No running! Can you hear me weeping?) and start Pilates and Yoga classes to strengthen my core. Good thing I didn’t mention the 5K I ran 3 days after the procedure. Oops.

I am proud to report that I weighed in this morning and I have lost 3.2 pounds in the last week. I have my first Pilates class today and I am signing Nate up for Preschool swim classes so hopefully he will be swimming on his own soon and we can go swim together. My goal is to take Pilates 2 times a week and Yoga once and do some cardio at least 2 other days. Yoga and Pilates are free at work so I have no excuse not to go…right?

 Looking Sexy ;)

The shorts were one size fits all gigantic people :(

New Bed

Nate is lucky enough to have a big cousin who passes things down to him sometimes. Love and I discussed the need to suck it up and buy Nate a twin sized bed after his birthday. I started looking online at headboards after my mother offered to give me my old mattress and box spring since it was hardly used. Then I got a text from my sister-in-law saying that my nephew was getting a new bed and asking if Nate wanted his race car bed. Of course Nate got really excited (especially since it was Noah’s) and we said yes. They moved the bed when they came down from NH for Nate’s birthday party and it went down to the basement. I knew it would be bigger than his toddler bed but I didn’t realize how big it actually is.

My house is tiny and my brother-in-law and sister-in-law have a huge house. Noah’s room is easily 3 times the size of Nate’s. Nate’s room is closer to the size of Noah’s closet (which I am really jealous of…do you know what I could do with all that closet space?!?!) and he has a lot of stuff packed into the room already. Last week we finally made to leap and Love and his father moved the bed upstairs. I almost cried when I realized that it takes up half of the room. I pulled myself together because Nate was so excited and I moved some stuff around and made it work. I’m not thrilled with how tight the room is now but it’s not that much bigger than a regular twin bed and it makes him really happy so who cares.

The goal with all of this was to get him to sleep in his own bed (he will never have a sibling if he doesn’t) and I was surprised that after a few nights of back and forth he actually slept for 5 nights in a row in the bed. He came into my bed Sunday night but I think it was because there is a lot of change going on. He finished summer camp Friday, my parents came home from vacation Saturday and he slept over their house Monday night. He’s really excited to start Pre-K next week but he is nervous too. He also has the toddler mattress in the bed right now because we have to pick up the twin from my parents. Hopefully we can do that this week and get him back to sleeping on his own. I’m going to bribe him with Avengers sheets after his first day of Pre-K and it better work!

 With the toddler mattress and bedding we still have room for stuffed animals, a box of tissues, a sippy cup and a stack of books!

 I decided it was time to pick a theme and stick with it...I removed all of the Toy Story wall decals but Nate made me keep the HUGE Jessie because, "She is Izzy's best friend" so I moved the Jake stickers all around Jessie to make him happy

 See how small the room is? Nate has too may toys!

Even his dresser is covered in toys and books

I Lost My Best Friend

It wasn’t a fiery car wreck, a heart attack or even cancer…I lost my best friend to another woman. You’re probably thinking I should man up and move on with my life but I am still sad months after it happened. Let me first make it clear that my best friend was a man, someone who was like a brother to me, well sort of since he ogled my breasts a lot…so maybe that’s not a good comparison. He was actually like my best girlfriend only in a man’s body. He hung out at my house at least once a week (usually after our Weight Watchers meeting) and we texted every day and chatted on the phone sometimes too. And then it happened…the texts were much less frequent…and only during business hours…and now, sadly sometimes weeks go by without a text.

I consider myself smart so I UNDERSTAND why I no longer have a best friend but it doesn’t mean I have to like it. I miss our silly conversations and having someone who was at war with his weight like I am and most of all seeing my son light up when he saw Uncle Mikey at the front door. Now Nate doesn’t even ask for Uncle Mikey. My 4-year old has accepted that he is gone but at 35 I cannot comprehend what happened.

Okay, okay that was a little dramatic. Here’s the deal…Mike had a HUGE crush on this girl and after his recent weight loss (around 140 pounds) the ladies were finally noticing him. This particular girl realized he was into her and when he made his move she was into it. And they lived happily ever after. Well, at least I hope they do. My former bestie found a great woman and for months he has been really happy and that makes me really happy…and sad at the same time.

I don’t need therapy or anything to deal with it; I just need some time to readjust to life without him. Honestly, I have more time on my hands at work without my phone going off all day and I can come home after Weight Watchers and take off my bra and relax instead of socializing. BUT I miss having my emotional friend (as my husband called him – BTW they were friends before I was friends with him) around to talk to about anything and everything. Now when we do talk we have to catch up because it’s been so long. It’s a weird feeling and sometimes I feel like I should just write off the whole relationship but that would be even weirder.

The only comparison I have is when I was 16 and my best friend met a boy and started dating him. We drifted apart because of him and then she got pregnant and that was the end of our friendship. We spent so much time together and all of a sudden she was gone and I was heartbroken. As a teenager I guess you expect friendships to end and you move on and make new friends. At 35 I don’t see myself making a new friend and moving on. Maybe I’ll advertise on Craig’s List for a 40-year old, single, balding, 350 pound man who has no intention of losing the weight…or maybe I will finally except that my best friend has finally found happiness.

 I love a self portrait with a friend :)

This was at my brother's wedding when we were both heavier - but look at how happy we are! Fat AND Happy lol!

This is his new bestie (and my son and her daughter). He caught a good one and her daughter is a wonderful little girl :)

Back to School…er Work

I am back to work today…begrudgingly. Having 8 days off was a little piece of heaven. It was the first time I have been off in recent memory that I had no set plans (except a few appointments) and it was all about Nate and I doing whatever we wanted…or nothing at all. It was also the most relaxing vacation I’ve ever had. I didn’t think of work at all and better yet, I didn’t get ONE text from the boss. August is the perfect time for vacation because most people are off so I can come back to work and not feel overwhelmed.  Okay so that really didn’t happen but I was hoping for it anyway. Coming back to 100 emails (I had 40 in my junk box in addition to the 65 in my inbox) felt very manageable and I was excited to get through them by noon so I could take a much needed break (it’s day 1 so give me some breathing room!).

A quick run down of the staycation…

Wednesday

We had 4 separate thunder and lightning storms pass through over the course of the early morning until late night. The dog was petrified and I had to drop and pick up Nate at school and run errands in torrential rains. I almost pulled over at one point because I couldn’t even see my lane in front of me. Not a great start to the vacation. The afternoon nap was better but the headache that accompanied it was not so great. I forgot that you cannot take any pain meds for 5 days prior to an epidural so I was stuck with a sinus headache and no drugs. I went to bed early.

Thursday

It was a beautiful day outside because all of the rain had actually broken the heat wave that has been hanging around for about 2 months.  I cleaned up around the house in the morning knowing that I had my epidural at 2:30 and would be out of commission for the rest of the day. I took it easy though because I had to fast all day which was NOT easy. Being home and fasting was torture and going to the grocery store was a BAD move. I had to have my friend come with me so she could drive me home (and watch Nate while I had it done). I anticipated it taking forever since the waiting room was PACKED. I was done in 20 minutes and even got a snack on the way out! They gave me written instructions and told me 5 times to rest for a few days. They obviously don’t know me but I promised to be good for the rest of the day. Love made us dinner and I stayed in bed. It was amazing how much better I felt but I will tell you more about that in another post.

Friday

I hit a local tiny beach after dropping Nate at school and it was wonderful. Just me, my beach chair and my book. I should have done that every morning because it was so peaceful and relaxing. Looking back I really needed that because I picked Nate up early and we headed to the pediatrician for his 4 year visit and it was anything but peaceful. He did not want her to examine his penis and testicles – and really who can blame the kid? A year ago he was still in diapers and didn’t care but now that he is a big boy and potty trained he knows that his penis is private and was not happy. He then had a major freak out when he found out he needed shots – 4 of them. I was so upset because he was so upset. They had to bring someone in to hold his arm while I kept him on my lap like a prisoner. He was screaming and crying and I felt like the worst mommy ever. Luckily when we left the office they were closed for lunch so he was the last patient. He surely would have scared off most kids if they had been there. So what does a mama who feels badly for her little boy do? Take him shopping of course! He got a few hot wheels cars and some books and we got him the last of his clothes for the fall. By the time we got home I was ready for bed so Love made dinner again (are we sensing a pattern here?).

Saturday

This was my planned relaxation day since Love was around to help out. Nate and I had swim in the morning and then we enjoyed a lazy Saturday. The rain helped convince me that we should stay in the house and lay around all day. I read my book and watched some TV and even did some laundry and cooked dinner.

Sunday

I signed up for a 5K in June and then I stopped running because of my back and the heat. The heat and I do not get along when it comes to running. I am already slow and the heat really drags me down. Since I had the epidural I was feeling better but I still decided to run a mile, walk a mile and run the last 1.2 miles. It was a great compromise and my back felt great afterwards. I did it in 44 minutes which is great considering I walked the middle mile…okay great for me since I am like a slug when I run. Nate and Love came with me to cheer me on which was so nice. I had my two men excited to see me cross the finish line and it helped get me through that last half mile. We had some breakfast at the Princess Diner (THE best spinach and feta omelet you will ever eat) and headed home so I could nap. I woke up still feeling a bit beat up so Love made dinner again. The night ended with True Blood and some wine. Perfect end to a Sunday for me.

Monday

Our dog has been having “accidents” on our living room carpet lately. I don’t really see them as accidents as much as I think he is just too lazy or scared to go outside so he just does his business in the kitchen or living room. We ran out of carpet cleaner so I went online and looked up a home remedy (more on that in another post) for the urine and the odor. I bought a gallon of white vinegar, a box of baking soda and a bottle of peroxide, came home and immediately went to work. By the time Love came home he said the house didn’t smell of dog pee at all (thankfully because frankly it was gross) but there was baking soda everywhere. It had to dry completely so we gated off the area for the night. I can’t even remember who cooked that night but I’m sure it was Love.

Tuesday

Sensing that my vacation was coming to a close and knowing that the alarm installer was coming the next day I spent most of the morning cleaning the house and especially the basement. I filled the new tote bins and finally put away the Easter decorations (yeah, it took me that long) and I felt such accomplishment. I was getting sad about my vacation ending so Nate and I had a lazy afternoon around the house.

Wednesday

Could it really be over? I woke up dreading that it was the last day to do everything I planned to do in the last week. The alarm guy showed up at 9:30am and didn’t leave until 12:30pm so I honestly only had time to vacuum quick and grab a bag with some stuff for Nate. He decided he wanted to go to the aquarium and the park and I willingly agreed. The weather was perfect and we even timed it so we were able to see the Sea Lion show. We got home just before Love and I made grilled cheese for dinner. It was about all the energy I could muster before moving on the dishes and getting myself ready to go back to the real world.

I wonder if this is what a stay at home mom goes through week after week. I won’t ever know but it was kind of nice to live it for a week. Coming back to work is never as bad as I think it will be. Am I tired? Of course. Did I have a great day? No, but it wasn’t terrible either. Tomorrow is Friday and I am really looking forward to the weekend.

Random Ramblings

The past 3 weeks have been a whirlwind of work, eating, booze, backaches, not enough sleep and certainly not enough family time. My job requires me to work like a dog for the months of June and July and the first 2 weeks of August and then I have a meltdown where I get super bitchy…but only to my husband…lucky guy (but it explains the need for booze!)

Nate’s birthday fell the day before our big event this year so I ended up crying hysterically as he opened his present which he hated (but now LOVES, fancy that) and the next day my mother told me I looked like hell (keep the compliments coming and don’t hold back please!). Perhaps the crying contributed to my appearance since my parents showed up 20 minutes after our shared meltdown or maybe it was the 4 HOURS IN THE BLAZING SUN AT 95 DEGREES AND 100 PERCENT HUMIDITY. Maybe I’m just a little too sensitive when I am under extreme duress…

The day of the event is always fine (except again for the 100 % humidity and the fact that the flaps to the tent were closed when I showed up for work) and goes by pretty quickly until the very end of the night when we are 10 hours in and I just want to crawl into my bed…but we still have to bring truckload after truckload of stuff back to our office. Even a delicious burger at the Diner couldn’t lift my spirits this year. I don’t know what it was but something was really off and it felt like a big letdown when it was all over.

Aimee and I enjoying working on a Saturday night

Last week was the never ending post event cleanup around the office and with each passing day I got more tired and my back hurt more. I don’t think I made dinner once last week and when I weighed in last week the scale did not lie. I have not gone to a Weight Watchers meeting in 6 weeks and I could tell I gained just by my clothes. I have been back on track since Friday and I am STARVING!!! I even went running today for the first time in 6 weeks…time to get back on track.

As for my back, I have new herniated disks in the center and right side with sciatica so I’m going for an epidural on Thursday. I’ve been told that if you had a successful epidural during childbirth then you are a great candidate for this. I had a wonderful experience and could have kissed my anesthesiologist, but since I know him because we work together I thought it might be uncomfortable.

I have one more day until my stay-cation and I cannot stress enough how much I need some time off. My boss actually asked me if tomorrow is my last day and I got excited as if tomorrow is my last day EVER. A girl can dream can’t she?

Valium Would be Great Right About Now...

Ever have a day where you want to tell every person you come in contact with to just go fuck themselves? If your answer is no then you should probably head to another blog. If the answer is yes then you pretty much know how my day is going. You don't even need the specifics of my day to feel my pain. Just in case you do though here it is...I have had at least one person give me a job to do that is not my job (and its a REALLY shitty job)...I showed up for an appointment and there was no one at the check in desk (oh well, guess I can't pay you then!)...and I caught attitude from an employee because he can't do his job so he got transferred and he thinks the blame lies with the employees who asked that he actually do his job. People suck today (okay everyday) and I want to go home and lay in a hot tub with a glass of wine and forget that Wednesday ever happened...not that I want to do it again...hell no, let's just keep the week moving because Sunday can't come fast enough. Um yeah, I have to work for 12 hours on Saturday so Sunday is what I am holding on to for my own sanity.