Tough Times

I started to write this last week but I had to stop and I finally went back to it today…if I can help even one woman going through the same thing then it is worth sharing my pain…

2/28/13

I am having the most stressful morning that I have had in a very long time. I was up early, have a raging headache and can’t take my normal Excedrin to knock it out. I am waiting for the most important phone call that I have ever waited for and I’m not sure what my reaction will be when I do get the call. I am practically shaking and I am coming out of my skin!

Nine days ago I peed on a stick and found out I was ovulating and that set everything in motion. When you have fertility issues getting pregnant is not fun. For most couples getting pregnant requires having sex and peeing on a stick when you miss your period. For me and far too many other women it is a completely different experience. For us it is a stressful, painful and emotionally wrenching period in our lives, that if we are lucky produces a beautiful miracle baby. I am one of the lucky ones who were able to get pregnant and birth a very special little boy. Now I’m hoping for a second miracle.

My cell phone rang and I jumped when I saw the number. A co-worker was in my office so I asked her to close my door because I needed to take the call. I picked up and very calmly the doctor told me that he received my results and I didn’t ovulate. He continued that I needed to come in and see him for a Clomid check during my next period. He was very matter of fact and not at all comforting. It reminded me of how much I miss my doctor who helped me get pregnant with Nate. I hung up the phone and tears started to fall.

I had selfishly convinced myself that I was pregnant. How stupid of me to think that one IUI was going to do the trick. Had I forgotten the months that ticked by while trying to get pregnant 5 years ago? I texted Love because I was afraid of crying even harder. I needed to pull myself together so I could open my office door again before people started asking questions. Then Carry On by fun. came on the radio and I really lost it. I never really paid attention to the damn song before and the timing really sucked. I finally pulled myself together and prayed the next hour would go by quick.

The next hour was really bad and I had to keep distracting myself. I then walked over to the Hospital for my weekly massage. A week earlier I had to tell my masseuse that I had IUI because there are certain areas you need to be careful of even in the very early stages of pregnancy. I walked into the massage room and was greeted by her ear-to-ear grin which made me very upset. She was hoping for good news and I had to tell her. She assured me that it would still happen and she was very comforting (unlike the damn doctor ugh!) even telling me to let it all out as she worked her magic.

I am so glad that I got the call before my massage because it was such a freeing experience which is such a bizarre thing to say. I cried for a good 10 minutes and then was very calm and haven’t cried about it again since then. It was such a wonderful experience and it helped me to let go of the pain and move on. I am now prepared to start the next step in the process and am hopeful that someday soon I will be able to say that I am expecting miracle baby #2!