Woo Hoo Weekend!

It has been one of those weeks that just drags on and on and gets worse by the day so I am REALLY looking forward to a (somewhat) relaxing weekend. Christmas shopping and wrapping are done with the exception of a few items and all I need to buy are 2 gift cards so I am thrilled.  More time to spend with the men in my life, even though I have been spending a lot of time with them lately…just not quality time.

Last Sunday I was cooking dinner (a miracle unto itself lately) and I got a splinter in my thumb. No biggie, I just grabbed the tweezers and got the sucker out. Monday morning I had to take Blue, our 10-year old beagle to the vet for dental surgery. His teeth have been horrible for way too long but I kept living in denial and was in fear of taking him to the vet. I finally broke down and took him 2 weeks ago. So they tell me his teeth need to be pulled and they will give me an estimate of what it will cost when we leave. They check his irritated skin which is why I brought him in and they prescribed and anti-inflammatory. I told them how he likes to pee in my house in 2 particular spots and they gave me an antibiotic and said it might be a UTI. I left $266 poorer with a follow up appointment for the following Friday. Friday he had 3 shots, they took urine, gave us a new medicine and we scheduled him for surgery on Monday.  I left $217 poorer and depressed just as the weekend began.

Monday morning I dropped off Nate and then Blue. I was nervous all day but he was fine and had 17 teeth pulled and I am now $517 poorer. I couldn’t believe it but he was a just little groggy and still has 25 left to work with. Remember that splinter from Sunday? By Tuesday morning I knew that I had missed a little bit and it had swelled up to a little smaller than a chocolate chip. I headed to the dermatologist and she numbed my thumb and came at me with a scalpel. I almost passed out so she laid me back and I closed my eyes. I didn’t change the bandage until the next day and was shocked to see the HOLE in my thumb! It makes me queasy every time I think about it.

While I was waiting to see the dermatologist Love called and told me that something exploded behind our house. Turns out it was a 21-year old at this tiny environmental company using a torch to cut apart a propane tank. Brilliant. Luckily there is an ambulance company a few houses away so they took the guy over to Stony Brook immediately. While I was on the phone with Love he also mentioned that Nate was running a fever. When I came home he was a mess on the couch. I took his temperature and it was 103.7 degrees. I gave him Motrin and we headed to my bed since he wasn’t hungry. He was sweaty and tossing and turning most of the night but by mid-morning he was better so I figured it was a virus. That night he spiked the fever again…and last night again. Luckily this morning he wanted to go to school and his temp was 98.6.

Now it’s time for the weekend!

P.S. I have been trying to be creative with that damn Elf on a Shelf this year so I will post some fun photos next week ;)

Thanksgiving…I Know I’m a Little Late

The month of November has flown by at record speed. First a hurricane, then Election Day, Veteran’s Day, Thanksgiving…schools we closed more than they were open. For Thanksgiving we continued our tradition of driving Upstate to my in-laws. Love gets to hunt and my mother-in-law gets to feed us for 3 straight days. I always eat like crap and gain 10 pounds and this year was no different.

What was different was driving from 12:30am to 4am to get there which I have vowed to never do again. I fell asleep at 11:10pm and Love woke me up at 11:50pm. I don’t work well on very little sleep so I was a cranky bitch the whole ride and I kept dozing and then startling myself awake in fear that Love was asleep. When we arrived at 4am Nate woke up and announced that he wasn’t tired anymore. Yay! Great start to the holiday!

Thanksgiving was the usual fried turkey and antipasto salad that I love and of course dessert is always a highlight. I had the most fun this year shooting BB guns with the kids in the backyard. I know that sounds very back woods of me but I was glad my 4-year old shot his first gun with his cousins. My mother was horrified but she doesn’t get how fun it is to shoot at things!

Black Friday is always spent at the mall in Kingston. We have the kid’s picture taken with Santa and then we do some shopping. At some point we hit the food court for lunch and then head to Target as our last stop. The great thing about the mall there is that there are hardly any people. Don’t get me wrong there are a lot of people at the mall but not nearly what you would find at a mall on Long Island. You have to be crazy to go to the malls here or at least have a death wish. Friday night we always have dinner at Angela’s an Italian restaurant close to their house. It’s all you can eat pasta night and for the first time ever my sister-in-law and I had adult beverages with dinner. I actually felt like a grown up! Until my son said my nephew’s pickle was a penis…

Saturday morning we drove home so we could have dinner with my parents and my brother and his family. It felt like the longest day ever and I just wanted to get home and take a nap but instead I quickly got us ready to get back in the car. Dinner and dessert made me so sleepy that I am surprised I made it home before falling asleep.

Sunday we took family photos, ran a few errands and got home at 3pm. I wanted a nap again so badly but instead I started vacuuming and moving furniture in my living room to make room for the Christmas tree. Nate was super excited and I like to put it up the weekend after Thanksgiving because it puts me in a better mood. I love watching TV in the dark with just the tree lit. It reminds me of being a kid and how much simpler life was (not that it felt that way).  I was so happy to finally sit down at 8pm and watch my shows. I like Sunday night to be mommy time because I can watch my shows in peace and drink some wine. It’s a wonderful thing!

Monday it was back to work…more on that at another time…

The Abominable Obama

Friday night Nate and I were at Toys "R" Us to get some Christmas shopping done. As we approached the store he spotted a claw machine with an Iron Man doll in it. He of course said he wanted to see it so on the way out we stopped by to take a look. I am very good at the claw machine and have won some pretty fun stuff in them but I was not getting Nate ANOTHER Iron Man. All of a sudden I spotted a stuffed Obama head with big ears. It was so funny and Nate asked why I was laughing so I replied, "Look at the stuffed Obama head doll." He looked at me and started laughing and said, "The Abominable head!" which made me laugh harder. I explained that it was not the Abominable but Obama, our President. He said, "Yeah, I know that." His standard response to everything lately.

Sunday I decided that we should wrap the kids presents together. I let Nate pick which paper each present got wrapped in and at one point he chose Rudolph paper and asked me to cut him a piece with the Abominable on it. I handed it to him and he said, "We saw him last night in the machine." I started laughing and again explained that we saw Obama the President and not the Abominable. This time he looked at me and said, "Oh yeah, he's white and fluffy right?" Far from it my boy, far from it lol!

Pilates Panic!

Last week life started to get back to normal for all of us. Nate was back at school, I was back at work and getting back to my routine. I was really looking forward to getting back to Pilates because after 2 weeks off I was feeling out of shape. I went to class alone on Tuesday and I found out that today is our instructors last day!

O

M

G

Panic set in as I realized that my beloved Pilates class was no more. My instructor is such a wonderful woman and she pushes us just enough but not too far. I have been feeling so much stronger after the last 3 months and now it might be over. I am hoping that there is a Christmas miracle and that next Tuesday someone will show up to teach the class. I don’t think I can make it through the next month of eating and drinking without Pilates.

I’m trying not to drive myself crazy thinking about it so I have a plan in place. I will take yoga on Mondays and Fridays and try to use my DVD at home to fill in. It won’t be the same but I need to keep doing something at this point. In January I am joining the gym at work so I can use the elliptical for an hour a day but I really had hoped to do that Mondays and Fridays and keep Pilates for Tuesdays and Thursdays and my massage on Wednesdays. For right now I will be thankful that I have Pilates today and a massage tomorrow. I’ll worry about all of this next week after the holiday.

Bad, Bad Mommy

There are so many days that go by where I wish I could have done more…okay almost every single day goes by in the blink of an eye and I never have time to do the things I want to do. As an adult I understand that I have to go to work in order to afford the basic necessities in life. The fact that I understand that logic in no way negates my feelings that I would love to spend more time with my child…well, sometimes.

Let me begin by saying that on a weekday basis I wish I had more time with Nate. We rush around in the morning trying to get out of the house and I always end of yelling at him for something. He is like a slug in the morning and I am on my own to get him out the door and into the car. When I arrive home after work he wants to be on top of me because he missed me all day. I miss him too, but sometimes I have to pee and that’s pretty hard to accomplish with a 4-year old strapped to your neck. The next 2 hours are usually a blur of preparing dinner, eating, arguing over dessert, bath time, getting into pajamas, picking out clothes for the next day and finally laying in my bed together to rest.

Weekends and days off are a whole different story in my house. Nate is usually up between 6:30am and 7:30am (if only he could do this on school days) and is yelling that he has to go potty and then he begins whining for food and a drink. I drag myself out of bed and head to the bathroom with him and then we make our way to the kitchen. I make him something and then crash on the couch hoping that he will leave me alone so I can get another half hour of sleep. This of course rarely happens so instead I try and keep him occupied and I pray that there will be time in the afternoon for a nap.

Basically what this all boils down to is a cranky mommy due to lack of sleep (if only I could fall asleep at 8pm like him I would be fine) and a child who wants all of my attention because daddy is still sleeping since he worked most of the night. We go back and forth about what he wants to do (he likes games but I hate all of the games that we have so I push for coloring or puzzles) and eventually we settle and enjoy each other for a little while. Eventually he starts to whine for food again and gets cranky when I don’t offer what he wants. He will then continue to be cranky and he will at some point yell at me and I will calmly tell him that we do not yell at mama which makes him yell louder and cry harder and I start to lose my shit. Bad. Bad. Mommy.

I hate that it happens but he drives me over the edge with his temper which he inherited from me of course. I don’t curse around him so I just always end up yelling, “I’m done!” and I walk away. He hates that I walk away but I’m not sure what else I can do. He does calm down after a little while when I do that so I figure it’s better than having a screaming match with a 4-year old. Time outs don’t work because he just gets up and runs and after 5 or so times I lose it. I keep telling him there will be consequences and I do take away toys or restrict TV. I feel like I am losing my mind sometimes but I keep telling myself I am not alone. There have to be other mothers experiencing the same thing. Right?

You Laughin' at Me?

The gas situation on Long Island is horrendous. Last week one of my co-workers suggested that four of us car pool. I already drive with Aimee so adding two other people made sense. After I drop Nate at school Aimee and I meet up at a local shopping center and we now head to Westhampton to meet up with the other two ladies. The car rides were filled with stories from the hurricane including my nine days living with my parents and 4-year old.

Marsha is a sweet sixty-something, married, mother of two daughters with a great sense of humor. My co-workers are all fun people and we are like a big family that teases each other about everything. You have to have a certain personality to work with us. Our jobs are all very stressful so we need to be able to laugh throughout the day or we might all be committed.

Marsha came into my office on Friday morning and very seriously told me that she had to tell me something, but that I couldn't laugh. At that moment I knew I would be laughing as soon as the words left her mouth. She went on to say that after a week in the car with me that she thinks that I should be a stand up comedian. Cue the crickets...and the laughter. After six years working together Marsha knows me very well but she has no clue that I have a fear of public speaking. Having a conversation with my friends is very easy for me but writing jokes and standing on a stage in front of strangers is frightening to me.

She yelled at me for laughing (which of course made me laugh more) and said that I have good stories and great delivery. She told me I also have a way with cursing (now THAT is something I can agree with!) and that I am genuinely funny and should consider it. She said I should check out local comedy clubs and perform at an open mic night because a lot of the comedians are bad. All I could think was, "I would be the bad comic!!!"

I obviously am very flattered by her comments and am glad that someone enjoys my stories. I thought about it all weekend and I still get a kick out of it. I know that people laugh when I tell stories which makes me happy but I honestly never thought of being a comedian. I love to watch comedy specials and funny shows and movies but never thought of myself on one. Look at me getting ahead of myself now...someone tells me I'm funny and I'm imagining myself with an HBO special! I will continue to think about it and maybe I'll even start writing some material. You never know where life will take you.

Sandy Sucks!

Last week Hurricane Sandy blew through New York and left a huge path of destruction. Please be warned that I am going to whine about my situation a little, but know that I am so grateful that no one I know was injured or killed, or lost their home. I feel terrible for all of the people who lost everything.

I had to work an event a few weeks ago so I decided to take my day off on Friday, October 26^th so we could go pumpkin picking since we were expecting a storm the next Monday.  At first it was just predicted that it would be rain, then it turned to a tropical storm and finally a hurricane. By Saturday my mother was calling and telling me to stay at her house on Sunday because the storm was going to be bad. She continued to plead with me Sunday even sending an email instead of calling. To which I called her and told her to stop since we spent 3 days at her house last summer for Hurricane Irene.

I watched the weather reports Sunday and realized that the storm would be bad so we prepared as best we could. Love gassed up all three cars and prepared his apocalyptic survival kit and I packed clothes for Nate and me while finishing laundry. Love wondered why I was packing clothes and I wondered why he was packing a flint and a folding saw. It was a hurricane coming, not the end of the world.

By Monday morning the news was getting worse about the storm and it looked as though we might be evacuated. I let Nate play on the computer while I cooked some food that we could still eat if we lost power for a day or two. Then I decided to catch up on my DVR in case we lost power and cable for a few days. At 12:30pm we found out that portions of our neighborhood were being evacuated and we fell into one by just 2 blocks. I called my mother and told her to expect us in an hour. We finished packing enough clothes and toys for 2 days and headed to my parent’s house.

The hurricane was bad but it wasn’t terrible in my parent’s neighborhood. There were downed trees and telephone poles and sections of fence knocked over but there was no flooding and they never lost power. My neighborhood did not fare so well. Love and my father went to check on the house Tuesday morning. We had a tree from our neighbor’s yard fall across the street and it took down his power lines with it and was resting on our power lines. Our cable was also disconnected from our house and we had one tree split in half.  Our whole block was huge trees snapped in half and down across the street. It was a huge mess and of course we had no power.

I’m not going to go into detail about the whole week because it was a complete blur to be honest and not much went on. I stayed home from work all week since Nate didn’t have school so we took him shopping to get out of the house some days, we trick or treated with our friends and their kids, Thursday he was sick so we took him to the doctor (ear infection), Saturday we had a birthday party to go to, and Monday Nate went back to school and I went back to work. We FINALLY got power back last night so I stopped by the house after work to turn on the burner and vote before going to my parent’s for one final night. It was a very long 9 days at their house and I really wanted to go home but we had to eat dinner and then I had to pack all of our stuff so it made more sense to just sleep there one more night. I am very lucky that my parent’s are so close and so willing to let us stay with them. It’s not the ideal situation for anyone but I can’t complain because there are so many people who are really suffering. I am just happy to be going home tonight to my warm house to sleep in my bed!

Wedding Bells

One of my friends from high school was married a few weeks ago and it reminded me of when I got married…10 long years ago. It seems like a lifetime has passed since then. I was so young (only 25) and life was so different for Love and I back then. We were carefree and not tied down to anything. We went on lots of road trips and spent lots of time together. Lately we don’t see each other as much because of our work schedules and when we do have time together Nate is usually demanding all of our attention (No adult conversations! Listen to ME!!!). It’s tough, but it is also one of the reasons I am glad we were married so young.

Did I ever imagine I would meet my husband while in junior high and that we would go from friends to much more when I was only 20? Of course not! I actually thought Love was a little annoying when he was just my brother’s friend (true story!). Then one day that all changed and 6 months later I was in love (okay maybe sooner but it was a long time ago). We had a long distance relationship at first because I was away at school but he worked about a half hour away so he would visit often. I soon realized that I would probably marry him one day and that made me very happy. His proposal was sweet and I am proud to wear an engagement ring with diamonds from one of his grandfather’s rings that was passed on to him.

Our wedding day was wonderful and I will never forget how much fun we had with our family and friends surrounding us. It was a perfect June day (although a little hot for those in tuxes) and pretty much everything went according to plan. We had a few minor glitches (the photographer was a half hour late, my great-aunt fell down the church steps and a centerpiece started a brief fire) but all in all it was a perfect day to get married.

Looking back I wouldn’t change a thing about that time in our lives. We lived carefree in an apartment for 4 years before buying a house, waited almost a year to get a dog and it was another year before we were pregnant. Those 6 years, although rough at times, were some of the best of my life. Having only each other to worry about was nice and if we had known what was ahead of us once we became parents, I think we would have enjoyed it even more. Nate is my world and I wouldn’t trade him for anything but sometimes I dream of a simpler time in my life…I’m pretty sure most moms do.

 Look at how young and skinny I was!!!

 This has always been one of my favorite photos from the day

I look like a mob wife in this one lol!

Here comes Santa Claus…ALREADY?!?!?

I have been consumed lately with the stress of paying bills and playing catch up so I can start Christmas shopping. Am I crazy? Yup, I kind of feel that way because Halloween is still a week away and I have already started gearing up for the biggest holiday of the year. We got paid last week and I had to attend a baby shower so I decided that while I was already scheduled to be out of the house and there was some money in the bank that I should at least begin the chore of toy shopping. I headed to Toys R Us armed with my shopping list and in record time I dropped $220. The crazy part is I was excited at how much stuff I left the store with! Not to mention that my haul included 6 bags of Halloween candy.

What does one spend $220 on you ask? One birthday present, 4 toys for my baby nephew (how fun is it to shop for baby toys?), one big Spiderman, one big Batman, 2 Imaginex Batman cars with figures, one Team Umizoomi Counting Car, one Bot with Team Umizoomi Car, one big book of Superhero Squad stories…I feel like I’m forgetting something…

I am just glad to have begun the long task of shopping for gifts. I used to enjoy Christmas shopping because I had the time to begin early and finish before Thanksgiving. Now I feel like I am rushing until the very last minute and that I am going to forget someone. Luckily I am usually organized and make lists for everything. This year we are on a tight budget so I am looking for bargains wherever I can get them. I am planning on cutting back on Nate and only hitting Toys R Us when I have coupons. Last year money was tight and Love and I decided that we would not buy each other any presents. In the end we saved money, but it was so depressing. This year I prefer to cut back so we can enjoy opening presents with Nate Christmas morning. Isn’t that what the holidays are about anyway? Okay, it’s not about opening presents but it’s still fun!

TRX is the Devil

Anyone who knows me well understands my lack of enthusiasm for exercise. I’m not necessarily a lazy person because I can clean my house or my yard for hours and hours but I am very resistant to exercise. I have always been this way except for a few years where I went to the gym everyday with my friends (mind you I was 22-years old when that started). For some reason 2012 has been the year of exercise for me. I’m not sure if it’s the fact that I am 35 and realizing that it only gets harder with age or that I need to lose 50 pounds. Probably a little of both.

I have been taking Pilates twice a week for 6 weeks now and I actually enjoy it and look forward to it. I’ve even thrown in yoga here and there when I can on a Monday or Friday. Having my pain management doctor tell me to take the classes combined with the fact that they are free at my job keeps me coming back. I take pilates with 2 women in my office (22 and 55-years old) and one day someone in the class mentioned TRX and how great it is. It is offered in another location and we were curious so we asked about it. I wish I had never done that.

Turns out TRX is suspension training and each person in the class does it at their level. I decided to accept the free pass to try out the class. I dreaded going but the class was filled with people twice my age and the instructor (Oscar) was fabulous! I was honestly afraid the damn strap was going to rip the hook out of the ceiling with all of my weight straining against it but I did my best to forget about it. I will admit that the class was fun but it was also exhausting and I knew I would be in pain for days after. Ding ding ding! You are correct! Three days later and I am in a lot of pain. Clearly it is an excellent workout. My upper back, upper arms and the backs of my legs are killing me. I worked out muscles I didn’t even know I had. I have pilates today and I hope I can make it through. I’m thinking the stretching will be good for me. Please let the stretching be good for me.

Consequences

I have uttered that word so many times in the last 24 hours that I have lost count. I am running on empty lately between no sleep, a HORRIBLE diet and not enough water and I am quickly losing my patience. Being alone at night with Nate is challenging and he tests me constantly. There is no consistency with his discipline and it is showing. Last night I had enough and I started being the mean mommy…at least that’s the way Nate sees it.

Dinner has been a struggle and Nate seems to think that eating half of his dinner before declaring that he is full is a guarantee that he will have room for a snack. The problem is that he says he is full and before he has even left the table he is asking for a snack. Last night I told him he needed to eat more before getting a snack and he was okay with it. While I was doing the dishes he got down from the table and I asked him to go wash his hands so we could get him into pajamas. Suddenly he had a meltdown which included him smacking me in the butt. I don’t do well with tantrums at all but hitting is never acceptable behavior. I turned off the TV and told him that it was time for pajamas and bed (mind you it was only 6pm). He continued to yell and cry and even pushed my dishwasher rack in while I was loading it. I let him continue yelling about how he NEEDED to watch his show and for the first time in a long time I told him that he needed to learn that there were consequences to being naughty.

I always try to make the distinction between him BEING naughty and ACTING naughty. I don’t want to crush his self esteem and having him pleading with me that he is sorry and he loves me, makes my heart break. Last year my mother picked him up at daycare and he was sitting in the corner crying saying, “I’m a bad boy” over and over. It made her cry. I always convey to him that I love him to but I do not like when he acts a certain way or does certain things. He eventually calmed down enough to wash his hands, put on pajamas and come snuggle in my bed. Was it a perfect night? Of course not, but it could have been worse and maybe tonight he will be better behaved because he will realize that there are consequences.

Dreams

Since I was a child I have had nightmares and vivid dreams. I don’t wake up every morning remembering my dreams, but when I do they are normally very detailed. I have thought of keeping a dream journal but never got around to it. I never thought about Nate dreaming except when I watch him sleep sometimes and he is restless. I wonder if he is dreaming and what his dreams are about. Clearly a 4-year old and a 35-year old have very different dreams right?

Not so much as it turns out. Nate has been having bad dreams for a few weeks now and at first he came into my bed in the middle of the night and said he had a scary dream. Then he peddled himself into my kitchen one day while I was cooking and from his tricycle he asked quietly when his dreams would stop. It broke my heart because dreams can be a wonderful thing, an escape from reality or a trip to a faraway place. I asked if he had good dreams too and he shook his head yes. He just wants the bad dreams to go away, and in his mind dreams are not a permanent in our life. I hated telling him that dreams never stop but we can certainly deal with the bad ones.

Nate takes after me in a lot of ways (just look at the kid and you can tell he is mine) but I had hoped that he would not inherit my nightmares. I asked him what his bad dreams are about and he said ghosts and monsters. I explained that there are no ghosts or monsters in our house (except of course Cookie Monster, Grover and Elmo) and that he could wake up from a dream if he realizes it is a dream. He said he would try. He also says his room is too dark but I keep a light on for him so I know it is the dreams keeping him from falling asleep after finally making so much progress.

Yesterday he was telling me about a vampire recurring dream and he said he told the vampire to go away. I bought a blow up ghost and pumpkin for Halloween decorations so last night I blew them up and told them to keep them in his room to keep away the bad dreams. This morning he told me the pumpkin kept them away…but he had left the pumpkin in my room. I agreed that I did not have a bad dream so the pumpkin worked. I’m planning on doing a little research on toddlers and dreams and hopefully I can help my little nugget out.  In the meantime, I need a nap.

Looks like a good dream to me

Time for another bambino?

There comes a time in a woman’s life when she decides she is ready to start a family. Then she gets knocked up and goes into a panic…am I really ready for this? Of course by then it is too late to back out of the deal. Baby number one arrives and it is the hardest thing you have done in your whole life. About a week goes by and people begin to ask when you will have another one. A simple warning to people who think that it is okay to ask that question…it’s not…don’t ever ask a woman when she is going to have another kid. I have been asked that question over and over in the last 4 years and most of the time I respond as politely as possible but there are times that I want to tell people to mind their own business. It’s an especially loaded question for a woman who had trouble conceiving the first time around.

The last 3 years have been very hard for Love and I and we have put all of our energy into Nate and his happiness (perhaps spoiling him too much). A year ago I was totally delusional and I had my IUD removed thinking it was now or never for another baby. I think the fact that I was 34 and quickly approaching 35 had a lot to do with it. If I had trouble conceiving at 28 how could I possibly expect to conceive at 35 or later? I quickly went back to the doctor and I think she thought I was crazy. We are finally wondering if we should take the leap again. It’s going to be stressful but looking at Nate I also know how rewarding it will be.

Speaking of Nate…he does not want to be a big brother…ever. Any mention of mama having another baby is crushed by his jealousy. He does not want a baby in his room or any other room in our house. He does not want a baby in my belly because it is his belly. If I ask would he prefer a brother or sister he simply says none. I think he may come around once the kid arrives but we will have to really work on him.

Jealousy is not the only thing we need to work on with Nate. He has a problem with being overly aggressive when showing how much he loves you. He is rough with me and I always tell him to be more gentle and chalk it up to the fact that he is a boy. This weekend we saw my nephew and he was all over him. All I did was tell him to stay out of his face and get off of him. It’s so embarrassing because he thinks he is being nice to his little cousin but it looks like he is about to crush the poor kid. We need to practice safe distances and gentle hugs with some stuffed animals before we see them again. I will also never be able to leave him alone with a baby if he continues to act that way. We have a lot of work to do before we can commit to having another baby. Hopefully we will be lucky and we will conceive. If we don’t then maybe it is a sign that we are meant to be a family of three and that will be okay.

Nate was a few days old here

How could I not want another one?



Sleep

Sleep has been a battle in my house for years. I was always a great sleeper. I am a night owl who could sleep the day away if left to my own devices. My first college room mate hated how much I slept and my last room mate slept as much or even more than I did. I can sleep anywhere and through anything. When I was pregnant I continued napping on weekends and went to bed early because I was up at night. When I had Nate I was up for the night time feedings but he started sleeping through the night at 10 weeks. It was a beautiful thing. I went back to work when he was 11 weeks old and really needed to sleep the whole night.

About a month before Nate’s first birthday he started waking in the middle of the night and had trouble falling asleep at first. I started bringing him to my bed for fear of falling asleep while I was holding him in the rocking chair and thus began our 3 year battle to get him out of our bed. It wasn’t uncomfortable at first having him there but you are aware of it so you don’t sleep as deeply. He would yell from his crib for one of us and we would argue over who was going to get him. Finally we got him a toddler bed and then he began just appearing in our bed. Over time of course he got bigger and it did become uncomfortable to have him there. This summer I hit my breaking point because my back pain was becoming unbearable and his little feet kicking me all night were not helping. He is all over the place at night and it was driving me crazy.

We moved his new bed into his room 4 weeks ago and he has slept in the bed EVERY night and ALL night. I was afraid that with the change at his school and Love working a new shift that all of our work would fall apart but I have kept him on a consistent schedule and it is working. I come home at 6pm and we eat dinner. We color or play for a little while and then clean up. At 7:30pm I let the dog out and we head to my bed for quiet time where we read and he watches Olivia. At 8pm he goes to his bed with my iPod and watches Mike the Knight. He’s like me and he falls asleep watching TV which is fine. I’m not buying him a TV for his room but he is allowed to borrow my iPod to fall asleep. He is usually fast asleep and snoring by 8:15-8:30pm and only wakes up to go potty and then heads right back to his room.

I’m keeping my fingers crossed that we can keep this going. He’s had the twin mattress since Sunday and he seems more comfortable and is sleeping better and longer. Of course the new no napping policy also went into effect this summer so that is a big help. When he does nap (bad daddy!) he is a nightmare for me at bedtime. The other night I was almost passed out from exhaustion at 10pm and he came in yelling, “Look mommy!” and shoving his hands in my face. He had boogers on almost every finger. I’m all for a clean nose but really?

 His beloved Jake sheets

 Which of course match the Jake blanket

 No napping!

Someone was a little sleepy after a long day

Always Remember

Today is the 11^th anniversary of the September 11^th terrorist attacks on the United States. Living in New York for my entire life it is sometimes hard to remember that on that day there was also death and destruction outside of the Twin Towers. The entire country was affected and we have to remember those killed in Pennsylvania and Washington D.C. Everyone murdered that day was someone’s child and all of them were too young to die.

When I was a kid I remember hearing, “I’ll never forget what I was doing when I heard that _____ died.” Usually people were referring to JFK or Elvis or John Lennon. I will never forget where I was when I heard that the first plane had hit. I worked at a small non-profit and every morning I walked to the convent (yup, one with real nuns) to pick up our newspapers. That beautiful crisp morning I walked in and the switchboard operator was watching the television like she did every morning. This morning something was different. Instead of Maury or Jerry Springer she was watching the news. She told me a plane had hit one of the Twin Towers and we watched as smoke billowed out from the side of the building. I quickly headed back to my office. When I arrived back at the office we turned on the TV and watched the second plane go into the South Tower. We knew then that it was a terrorist attack.

My only thoughts were of my brother. He lived (and still lives) in Brooklyn but he had planned on going into Manhattan to look for a job. I knew it was a long shot that he was even near the Twin Towers but I knew it was probably chaos in the city no matter where he was. I tried calling his cell phone and all I kept getting was a busy signal. I was listening to Howard Stern (who was still on terrestrial radio) and they said that all cell phones were knocked out because the cell tower was on top of one of the Towers. My mother and aunt both called me in a panic and I told them not to worry that Erik would call when he got to a regular phone. He eventually did call and then he watched from his roof as the first tower fell. He was lucky enough to get on a train out of the city before they shut them down and he stayed with us for a few days.

That day was such a shock to me and I only knew 2 people who were there and both got out alive. My second cousin’s husband worked for Xerox and was in the building during the bombing of 1993 and again on 9/11. He survived both but after walking home to Queens that day he vowed to never work in a high rise again. I can’t say that I blame him.

The days and weeks that followed were heart wrenching. I cried every single day and didn’t know if it would ever get better. The fires still burning for days, video of the planes hitting each building, people leaping to their deaths, hoards of people fleeing the buildings as they collapsed, people covered in that white dust, the sound of the firemen’s alarms, photos of the “missing” plastered everywhere, the families crying and pleading for help, the funerals for those whose bodies had been found. The sorrow people must have felt when they finally grasped that their loved ones were not “missing” but among the rubble of those 2 magnificent buildings. I still cannot imagine how those people were able to pull it together and get out of bed. I think I would have lost it.

It is hard to believe that 11 years has passed. My life is completely different than it was then. I moved out of my parents house, got married, lost 35 pounds, bought a house, struggled with infertility, adopted a beagle, gained 40 pounds, gave birth to a healthy baby boy…my life will continue to change and this day will always remain the same. I will always think of the ball in the pit of my stomach and feeling so sad for all of the victims…that feeling is less now but I will never forget.

New Schedule

This week I have felt really off because our schedules have all changed. We had a long weekend for Labor Day and took advantage of Love actually being off and headed Upstate. We came home Sunday night and Tuesday Nate started Pre-K and he did great! His teacher told me he is very smart and she told me yesterday that he is the only kid that pays attention during story time. He’s been a little off lately since he was diagnosed with Fifth Disease so I was really worried about him going back to school. He does well with a schedule so I think he needed to be back. I was off Tuesday and Love began his regular shift at work from 6pm to 2am. I could not fall asleep being in the bed all by myself and with no one watching TV in the living room either. It was a weird feeling but I’m hoping I will adjust sooner rather than later.

Back to the weekend…we went Upstate to visit my in-laws and it was relaxing. I took a nap on Saturday and Sunday and it felt so good. My back was bothering me from the car ride so it was the perfect excuse for a little R&R. On Sunday we went to a local carnival and I think I had more fun than Nate. I REALLY wanted to go on the rides but no one would go on with me and I felt bad leaving everyone. Love made me play a carnie game and I won 2 goldfish! Of course I then realized that I now have to take care of 2 goldfish. We are now outnumbered 2:1, pet to human in my house with a dog, 3 frogs and 2 fish. Did I mention that we named them Hulk & Wolverine? Yeah, no wussie names for our fish.

Wednesday was a little rough going back to work but I am so glad that the cidiots are gone. What’s a cidiot you ask? From Urban Dictionary:

Cidiot

A term that residents of The Hamptons on Long Island have for ill-behaved Manhattanites who visit their town during the summer.

Hamptonites gripe about having to deal with "cidiots" every summer.

I swear it was like the ground opened up and swallowed all of them. Last week I couldn’t go out at lunch because there were cars and people everywhere. This week there is no one around. It is a beautiful thing when the kids go back to school and the East End is somewhat normal again. Here’s to a quiet weekend and a wonderful September!

Beautiful view of the Hudson River and the Vip Van Winkle Bridge

Blue loves Pop Pop's Lazy Boy

So does Nate

Soda Can Scarecrow

I Love This Hat!

Hulk and Wolverine love their new home

Nate had to draw a picture of himself for his first day of school

First Day of Pre-K!

He was excited to see me when I picked him up!

The boys enjoying a quiet rainy afternoon

I Need a Backiotomy

Two weeks ago today I had my epidural and I am happy to report that today is my best day so far. I had my first massage in 3 weeks yesterday and the small amount of pain that I was still experiencing disappeared after 10 minutes on the table. I love my massage therapist because she is similar to a psychic in that she can touch me and know exactly what hurts and why. Anatomy is an amazing thing especially when it comes to pain management. I’m skipping ahead though…let’s start at the beginning.

In 2004 I began having pain in my left calf that was diagnosed as referred pain from 2 herniated disks in my lower back. Eventually the pain was so bad in my leg that I had trouble walking and was basically living on pain pills to get to sleep every night. I finally went to an orthopedist and was diagnosed with a benign tumor in my calf that was in the muscle and attached to nerves. I had it removed and my leg and back both improved. When I was pregnant with Nate in 2008 I had no back pain even with the extra 30 pounds I was carrying and it was a miracle. Over the last 4 years I have had pain on and off because of picking him up and carrying him, yard work, cleaning and honestly because once you have a back injury you are more prone to have another.

In April of this year I started to have pain on my right side and it goes down my butt and my leg – classic sciatic pain. I began going for weekly massages, which helps, and I finally got an appointment to see my neurologist in June. He sent me for an MRI and it revealed that I have central and right herniated disks. He suggested I go to their Pain Management Clinic for an epidural so I could avoid pain pills. I agreed and I am so glad I did.

From what I read online I expected to be there for at least an hour or so because it sounded time consuming so I had my friend drop me off and take Nate to the park. I filled out some forms and they took me right in and asked me to change into a gown (opening in the back) and some black paper shorts. The doctor came in and asked a few questions. Since I have pain on both sides she decided to do a central line so I could have relief on both sides. They took me into a surgical looking room (it was much warmer than an operating room – both temperature and décor) and had me lay on the table face down with a pillow under my stomach. There was a TV monitor above me that showed an x-ray of my back so she could see where she was putting in the epidural. I looked at the floor while the doctor swabbed my back with betadine and she gave me a shot of novacane (not just for dentists!) so I wouldn’t feel anything. She talked me through putting in the epidural and then she said I would feel pressure as she put in the medicine. I felt a weird sensation in my lower back and then down both legs and I was done. She took it out and they removed my IV and I was off to recovery.

It was amazing to have instant relief after months of constant pain. My massage therapist always tells me that she cannot believe that I can tolerate as much pain as I do. I try to not let it affect my daily life because it would be too depressing if I did.  Besides, I have had 2 bouts of kidney stones and gave birth vaginally so on a scale on 1 to kill me I can handle some back pain. I had a follow up appointment last week and I was told that I am a perfect patient and should continue with epidurals as needed. She suggested I lose weight (as if I don’t beat myself up enough about that), swim for cardio (No running! Can you hear me weeping?) and start Pilates and Yoga classes to strengthen my core. Good thing I didn’t mention the 5K I ran 3 days after the procedure. Oops.

I am proud to report that I weighed in this morning and I have lost 3.2 pounds in the last week. I have my first Pilates class today and I am signing Nate up for Preschool swim classes so hopefully he will be swimming on his own soon and we can go swim together. My goal is to take Pilates 2 times a week and Yoga once and do some cardio at least 2 other days. Yoga and Pilates are free at work so I have no excuse not to go…right?

 Looking Sexy ;)

The shorts were one size fits all gigantic people :(

New Bed

Nate is lucky enough to have a big cousin who passes things down to him sometimes. Love and I discussed the need to suck it up and buy Nate a twin sized bed after his birthday. I started looking online at headboards after my mother offered to give me my old mattress and box spring since it was hardly used. Then I got a text from my sister-in-law saying that my nephew was getting a new bed and asking if Nate wanted his race car bed. Of course Nate got really excited (especially since it was Noah’s) and we said yes. They moved the bed when they came down from NH for Nate’s birthday party and it went down to the basement. I knew it would be bigger than his toddler bed but I didn’t realize how big it actually is.

My house is tiny and my brother-in-law and sister-in-law have a huge house. Noah’s room is easily 3 times the size of Nate’s. Nate’s room is closer to the size of Noah’s closet (which I am really jealous of…do you know what I could do with all that closet space?!?!) and he has a lot of stuff packed into the room already. Last week we finally made to leap and Love and his father moved the bed upstairs. I almost cried when I realized that it takes up half of the room. I pulled myself together because Nate was so excited and I moved some stuff around and made it work. I’m not thrilled with how tight the room is now but it’s not that much bigger than a regular twin bed and it makes him really happy so who cares.

The goal with all of this was to get him to sleep in his own bed (he will never have a sibling if he doesn’t) and I was surprised that after a few nights of back and forth he actually slept for 5 nights in a row in the bed. He came into my bed Sunday night but I think it was because there is a lot of change going on. He finished summer camp Friday, my parents came home from vacation Saturday and he slept over their house Monday night. He’s really excited to start Pre-K next week but he is nervous too. He also has the toddler mattress in the bed right now because we have to pick up the twin from my parents. Hopefully we can do that this week and get him back to sleeping on his own. I’m going to bribe him with Avengers sheets after his first day of Pre-K and it better work!

 With the toddler mattress and bedding we still have room for stuffed animals, a box of tissues, a sippy cup and a stack of books!

 I decided it was time to pick a theme and stick with it...I removed all of the Toy Story wall decals but Nate made me keep the HUGE Jessie because, "She is Izzy's best friend" so I moved the Jake stickers all around Jessie to make him happy

 See how small the room is? Nate has too may toys!

Even his dresser is covered in toys and books

I Lost My Best Friend

It wasn’t a fiery car wreck, a heart attack or even cancer…I lost my best friend to another woman. You’re probably thinking I should man up and move on with my life but I am still sad months after it happened. Let me first make it clear that my best friend was a man, someone who was like a brother to me, well sort of since he ogled my breasts a lot…so maybe that’s not a good comparison. He was actually like my best girlfriend only in a man’s body. He hung out at my house at least once a week (usually after our Weight Watchers meeting) and we texted every day and chatted on the phone sometimes too. And then it happened…the texts were much less frequent…and only during business hours…and now, sadly sometimes weeks go by without a text.

I consider myself smart so I UNDERSTAND why I no longer have a best friend but it doesn’t mean I have to like it. I miss our silly conversations and having someone who was at war with his weight like I am and most of all seeing my son light up when he saw Uncle Mikey at the front door. Now Nate doesn’t even ask for Uncle Mikey. My 4-year old has accepted that he is gone but at 35 I cannot comprehend what happened.

Okay, okay that was a little dramatic. Here’s the deal…Mike had a HUGE crush on this girl and after his recent weight loss (around 140 pounds) the ladies were finally noticing him. This particular girl realized he was into her and when he made his move she was into it. And they lived happily ever after. Well, at least I hope they do. My former bestie found a great woman and for months he has been really happy and that makes me really happy…and sad at the same time.

I don’t need therapy or anything to deal with it; I just need some time to readjust to life without him. Honestly, I have more time on my hands at work without my phone going off all day and I can come home after Weight Watchers and take off my bra and relax instead of socializing. BUT I miss having my emotional friend (as my husband called him – BTW they were friends before I was friends with him) around to talk to about anything and everything. Now when we do talk we have to catch up because it’s been so long. It’s a weird feeling and sometimes I feel like I should just write off the whole relationship but that would be even weirder.

The only comparison I have is when I was 16 and my best friend met a boy and started dating him. We drifted apart because of him and then she got pregnant and that was the end of our friendship. We spent so much time together and all of a sudden she was gone and I was heartbroken. As a teenager I guess you expect friendships to end and you move on and make new friends. At 35 I don’t see myself making a new friend and moving on. Maybe I’ll advertise on Craig’s List for a 40-year old, single, balding, 350 pound man who has no intention of losing the weight…or maybe I will finally except that my best friend has finally found happiness.

 I love a self portrait with a friend :)

This was at my brother's wedding when we were both heavier - but look at how happy we are! Fat AND Happy lol!

This is his new bestie (and my son and her daughter). He caught a good one and her daughter is a wonderful little girl :)

Back to School…er Work

I am back to work today…begrudgingly. Having 8 days off was a little piece of heaven. It was the first time I have been off in recent memory that I had no set plans (except a few appointments) and it was all about Nate and I doing whatever we wanted…or nothing at all. It was also the most relaxing vacation I’ve ever had. I didn’t think of work at all and better yet, I didn’t get ONE text from the boss. August is the perfect time for vacation because most people are off so I can come back to work and not feel overwhelmed.  Okay so that really didn’t happen but I was hoping for it anyway. Coming back to 100 emails (I had 40 in my junk box in addition to the 65 in my inbox) felt very manageable and I was excited to get through them by noon so I could take a much needed break (it’s day 1 so give me some breathing room!).

A quick run down of the staycation…

Wednesday

We had 4 separate thunder and lightning storms pass through over the course of the early morning until late night. The dog was petrified and I had to drop and pick up Nate at school and run errands in torrential rains. I almost pulled over at one point because I couldn’t even see my lane in front of me. Not a great start to the vacation. The afternoon nap was better but the headache that accompanied it was not so great. I forgot that you cannot take any pain meds for 5 days prior to an epidural so I was stuck with a sinus headache and no drugs. I went to bed early.

Thursday

It was a beautiful day outside because all of the rain had actually broken the heat wave that has been hanging around for about 2 months.  I cleaned up around the house in the morning knowing that I had my epidural at 2:30 and would be out of commission for the rest of the day. I took it easy though because I had to fast all day which was NOT easy. Being home and fasting was torture and going to the grocery store was a BAD move. I had to have my friend come with me so she could drive me home (and watch Nate while I had it done). I anticipated it taking forever since the waiting room was PACKED. I was done in 20 minutes and even got a snack on the way out! They gave me written instructions and told me 5 times to rest for a few days. They obviously don’t know me but I promised to be good for the rest of the day. Love made us dinner and I stayed in bed. It was amazing how much better I felt but I will tell you more about that in another post.

Friday

I hit a local tiny beach after dropping Nate at school and it was wonderful. Just me, my beach chair and my book. I should have done that every morning because it was so peaceful and relaxing. Looking back I really needed that because I picked Nate up early and we headed to the pediatrician for his 4 year visit and it was anything but peaceful. He did not want her to examine his penis and testicles – and really who can blame the kid? A year ago he was still in diapers and didn’t care but now that he is a big boy and potty trained he knows that his penis is private and was not happy. He then had a major freak out when he found out he needed shots – 4 of them. I was so upset because he was so upset. They had to bring someone in to hold his arm while I kept him on my lap like a prisoner. He was screaming and crying and I felt like the worst mommy ever. Luckily when we left the office they were closed for lunch so he was the last patient. He surely would have scared off most kids if they had been there. So what does a mama who feels badly for her little boy do? Take him shopping of course! He got a few hot wheels cars and some books and we got him the last of his clothes for the fall. By the time we got home I was ready for bed so Love made dinner again (are we sensing a pattern here?).

Saturday

This was my planned relaxation day since Love was around to help out. Nate and I had swim in the morning and then we enjoyed a lazy Saturday. The rain helped convince me that we should stay in the house and lay around all day. I read my book and watched some TV and even did some laundry and cooked dinner.

Sunday

I signed up for a 5K in June and then I stopped running because of my back and the heat. The heat and I do not get along when it comes to running. I am already slow and the heat really drags me down. Since I had the epidural I was feeling better but I still decided to run a mile, walk a mile and run the last 1.2 miles. It was a great compromise and my back felt great afterwards. I did it in 44 minutes which is great considering I walked the middle mile…okay great for me since I am like a slug when I run. Nate and Love came with me to cheer me on which was so nice. I had my two men excited to see me cross the finish line and it helped get me through that last half mile. We had some breakfast at the Princess Diner (THE best spinach and feta omelet you will ever eat) and headed home so I could nap. I woke up still feeling a bit beat up so Love made dinner again. The night ended with True Blood and some wine. Perfect end to a Sunday for me.

Monday

Our dog has been having “accidents” on our living room carpet lately. I don’t really see them as accidents as much as I think he is just too lazy or scared to go outside so he just does his business in the kitchen or living room. We ran out of carpet cleaner so I went online and looked up a home remedy (more on that in another post) for the urine and the odor. I bought a gallon of white vinegar, a box of baking soda and a bottle of peroxide, came home and immediately went to work. By the time Love came home he said the house didn’t smell of dog pee at all (thankfully because frankly it was gross) but there was baking soda everywhere. It had to dry completely so we gated off the area for the night. I can’t even remember who cooked that night but I’m sure it was Love.

Tuesday

Sensing that my vacation was coming to a close and knowing that the alarm installer was coming the next day I spent most of the morning cleaning the house and especially the basement. I filled the new tote bins and finally put away the Easter decorations (yeah, it took me that long) and I felt such accomplishment. I was getting sad about my vacation ending so Nate and I had a lazy afternoon around the house.

Wednesday

Could it really be over? I woke up dreading that it was the last day to do everything I planned to do in the last week. The alarm guy showed up at 9:30am and didn’t leave until 12:30pm so I honestly only had time to vacuum quick and grab a bag with some stuff for Nate. He decided he wanted to go to the aquarium and the park and I willingly agreed. The weather was perfect and we even timed it so we were able to see the Sea Lion show. We got home just before Love and I made grilled cheese for dinner. It was about all the energy I could muster before moving on the dishes and getting myself ready to go back to the real world.

I wonder if this is what a stay at home mom goes through week after week. I won’t ever know but it was kind of nice to live it for a week. Coming back to work is never as bad as I think it will be. Am I tired? Of course. Did I have a great day? No, but it wasn’t terrible either. Tomorrow is Friday and I am really looking forward to the weekend.