Wedding Bells

One of my friends from high school was married a few weeks ago and it reminded me of when I got married…10 long years ago. It seems like a lifetime has passed since then. I was so young (only 25) and life was so different for Love and I back then. We were carefree and not tied down to anything. We went on lots of road trips and spent lots of time together. Lately we don’t see each other as much because of our work schedules and when we do have time together Nate is usually demanding all of our attention (No adult conversations! Listen to ME!!!). It’s tough, but it is also one of the reasons I am glad we were married so young.

Did I ever imagine I would meet my husband while in junior high and that we would go from friends to much more when I was only 20? Of course not! I actually thought Love was a little annoying when he was just my brother’s friend (true story!). Then one day that all changed and 6 months later I was in love (okay maybe sooner but it was a long time ago). We had a long distance relationship at first because I was away at school but he worked about a half hour away so he would visit often. I soon realized that I would probably marry him one day and that made me very happy. His proposal was sweet and I am proud to wear an engagement ring with diamonds from one of his grandfather’s rings that was passed on to him.

Our wedding day was wonderful and I will never forget how much fun we had with our family and friends surrounding us. It was a perfect June day (although a little hot for those in tuxes) and pretty much everything went according to plan. We had a few minor glitches (the photographer was a half hour late, my great-aunt fell down the church steps and a centerpiece started a brief fire) but all in all it was a perfect day to get married.

Looking back I wouldn’t change a thing about that time in our lives. We lived carefree in an apartment for 4 years before buying a house, waited almost a year to get a dog and it was another year before we were pregnant. Those 6 years, although rough at times, were some of the best of my life. Having only each other to worry about was nice and if we had known what was ahead of us once we became parents, I think we would have enjoyed it even more. Nate is my world and I wouldn’t trade him for anything but sometimes I dream of a simpler time in my life…I’m pretty sure most moms do.

 Look at how young and skinny I was!!!

 This has always been one of my favorite photos from the day

I look like a mob wife in this one lol!

Here comes Santa Claus…ALREADY?!?!?

I have been consumed lately with the stress of paying bills and playing catch up so I can start Christmas shopping. Am I crazy? Yup, I kind of feel that way because Halloween is still a week away and I have already started gearing up for the biggest holiday of the year. We got paid last week and I had to attend a baby shower so I decided that while I was already scheduled to be out of the house and there was some money in the bank that I should at least begin the chore of toy shopping. I headed to Toys R Us armed with my shopping list and in record time I dropped $220. The crazy part is I was excited at how much stuff I left the store with! Not to mention that my haul included 6 bags of Halloween candy.

What does one spend $220 on you ask? One birthday present, 4 toys for my baby nephew (how fun is it to shop for baby toys?), one big Spiderman, one big Batman, 2 Imaginex Batman cars with figures, one Team Umizoomi Counting Car, one Bot with Team Umizoomi Car, one big book of Superhero Squad stories…I feel like I’m forgetting something…

I am just glad to have begun the long task of shopping for gifts. I used to enjoy Christmas shopping because I had the time to begin early and finish before Thanksgiving. Now I feel like I am rushing until the very last minute and that I am going to forget someone. Luckily I am usually organized and make lists for everything. This year we are on a tight budget so I am looking for bargains wherever I can get them. I am planning on cutting back on Nate and only hitting Toys R Us when I have coupons. Last year money was tight and Love and I decided that we would not buy each other any presents. In the end we saved money, but it was so depressing. This year I prefer to cut back so we can enjoy opening presents with Nate Christmas morning. Isn’t that what the holidays are about anyway? Okay, it’s not about opening presents but it’s still fun!

TRX is the Devil

Anyone who knows me well understands my lack of enthusiasm for exercise. I’m not necessarily a lazy person because I can clean my house or my yard for hours and hours but I am very resistant to exercise. I have always been this way except for a few years where I went to the gym everyday with my friends (mind you I was 22-years old when that started). For some reason 2012 has been the year of exercise for me. I’m not sure if it’s the fact that I am 35 and realizing that it only gets harder with age or that I need to lose 50 pounds. Probably a little of both.

I have been taking Pilates twice a week for 6 weeks now and I actually enjoy it and look forward to it. I’ve even thrown in yoga here and there when I can on a Monday or Friday. Having my pain management doctor tell me to take the classes combined with the fact that they are free at my job keeps me coming back. I take pilates with 2 women in my office (22 and 55-years old) and one day someone in the class mentioned TRX and how great it is. It is offered in another location and we were curious so we asked about it. I wish I had never done that.

Turns out TRX is suspension training and each person in the class does it at their level. I decided to accept the free pass to try out the class. I dreaded going but the class was filled with people twice my age and the instructor (Oscar) was fabulous! I was honestly afraid the damn strap was going to rip the hook out of the ceiling with all of my weight straining against it but I did my best to forget about it. I will admit that the class was fun but it was also exhausting and I knew I would be in pain for days after. Ding ding ding! You are correct! Three days later and I am in a lot of pain. Clearly it is an excellent workout. My upper back, upper arms and the backs of my legs are killing me. I worked out muscles I didn’t even know I had. I have pilates today and I hope I can make it through. I’m thinking the stretching will be good for me. Please let the stretching be good for me.

Consequences

I have uttered that word so many times in the last 24 hours that I have lost count. I am running on empty lately between no sleep, a HORRIBLE diet and not enough water and I am quickly losing my patience. Being alone at night with Nate is challenging and he tests me constantly. There is no consistency with his discipline and it is showing. Last night I had enough and I started being the mean mommy…at least that’s the way Nate sees it.

Dinner has been a struggle and Nate seems to think that eating half of his dinner before declaring that he is full is a guarantee that he will have room for a snack. The problem is that he says he is full and before he has even left the table he is asking for a snack. Last night I told him he needed to eat more before getting a snack and he was okay with it. While I was doing the dishes he got down from the table and I asked him to go wash his hands so we could get him into pajamas. Suddenly he had a meltdown which included him smacking me in the butt. I don’t do well with tantrums at all but hitting is never acceptable behavior. I turned off the TV and told him that it was time for pajamas and bed (mind you it was only 6pm). He continued to yell and cry and even pushed my dishwasher rack in while I was loading it. I let him continue yelling about how he NEEDED to watch his show and for the first time in a long time I told him that he needed to learn that there were consequences to being naughty.

I always try to make the distinction between him BEING naughty and ACTING naughty. I don’t want to crush his self esteem and having him pleading with me that he is sorry and he loves me, makes my heart break. Last year my mother picked him up at daycare and he was sitting in the corner crying saying, “I’m a bad boy” over and over. It made her cry. I always convey to him that I love him to but I do not like when he acts a certain way or does certain things. He eventually calmed down enough to wash his hands, put on pajamas and come snuggle in my bed. Was it a perfect night? Of course not, but it could have been worse and maybe tonight he will be better behaved because he will realize that there are consequences.

Dreams

Since I was a child I have had nightmares and vivid dreams. I don’t wake up every morning remembering my dreams, but when I do they are normally very detailed. I have thought of keeping a dream journal but never got around to it. I never thought about Nate dreaming except when I watch him sleep sometimes and he is restless. I wonder if he is dreaming and what his dreams are about. Clearly a 4-year old and a 35-year old have very different dreams right?

Not so much as it turns out. Nate has been having bad dreams for a few weeks now and at first he came into my bed in the middle of the night and said he had a scary dream. Then he peddled himself into my kitchen one day while I was cooking and from his tricycle he asked quietly when his dreams would stop. It broke my heart because dreams can be a wonderful thing, an escape from reality or a trip to a faraway place. I asked if he had good dreams too and he shook his head yes. He just wants the bad dreams to go away, and in his mind dreams are not a permanent in our life. I hated telling him that dreams never stop but we can certainly deal with the bad ones.

Nate takes after me in a lot of ways (just look at the kid and you can tell he is mine) but I had hoped that he would not inherit my nightmares. I asked him what his bad dreams are about and he said ghosts and monsters. I explained that there are no ghosts or monsters in our house (except of course Cookie Monster, Grover and Elmo) and that he could wake up from a dream if he realizes it is a dream. He said he would try. He also says his room is too dark but I keep a light on for him so I know it is the dreams keeping him from falling asleep after finally making so much progress.

Yesterday he was telling me about a vampire recurring dream and he said he told the vampire to go away. I bought a blow up ghost and pumpkin for Halloween decorations so last night I blew them up and told them to keep them in his room to keep away the bad dreams. This morning he told me the pumpkin kept them away…but he had left the pumpkin in my room. I agreed that I did not have a bad dream so the pumpkin worked. I’m planning on doing a little research on toddlers and dreams and hopefully I can help my little nugget out.  In the meantime, I need a nap.

Looks like a good dream to me

Time for another bambino?

There comes a time in a woman’s life when she decides she is ready to start a family. Then she gets knocked up and goes into a panic…am I really ready for this? Of course by then it is too late to back out of the deal. Baby number one arrives and it is the hardest thing you have done in your whole life. About a week goes by and people begin to ask when you will have another one. A simple warning to people who think that it is okay to ask that question…it’s not…don’t ever ask a woman when she is going to have another kid. I have been asked that question over and over in the last 4 years and most of the time I respond as politely as possible but there are times that I want to tell people to mind their own business. It’s an especially loaded question for a woman who had trouble conceiving the first time around.

The last 3 years have been very hard for Love and I and we have put all of our energy into Nate and his happiness (perhaps spoiling him too much). A year ago I was totally delusional and I had my IUD removed thinking it was now or never for another baby. I think the fact that I was 34 and quickly approaching 35 had a lot to do with it. If I had trouble conceiving at 28 how could I possibly expect to conceive at 35 or later? I quickly went back to the doctor and I think she thought I was crazy. We are finally wondering if we should take the leap again. It’s going to be stressful but looking at Nate I also know how rewarding it will be.

Speaking of Nate…he does not want to be a big brother…ever. Any mention of mama having another baby is crushed by his jealousy. He does not want a baby in his room or any other room in our house. He does not want a baby in my belly because it is his belly. If I ask would he prefer a brother or sister he simply says none. I think he may come around once the kid arrives but we will have to really work on him.

Jealousy is not the only thing we need to work on with Nate. He has a problem with being overly aggressive when showing how much he loves you. He is rough with me and I always tell him to be more gentle and chalk it up to the fact that he is a boy. This weekend we saw my nephew and he was all over him. All I did was tell him to stay out of his face and get off of him. It’s so embarrassing because he thinks he is being nice to his little cousin but it looks like he is about to crush the poor kid. We need to practice safe distances and gentle hugs with some stuffed animals before we see them again. I will also never be able to leave him alone with a baby if he continues to act that way. We have a lot of work to do before we can commit to having another baby. Hopefully we will be lucky and we will conceive. If we don’t then maybe it is a sign that we are meant to be a family of three and that will be okay.

Nate was a few days old here

How could I not want another one?



Sleep

Sleep has been a battle in my house for years. I was always a great sleeper. I am a night owl who could sleep the day away if left to my own devices. My first college room mate hated how much I slept and my last room mate slept as much or even more than I did. I can sleep anywhere and through anything. When I was pregnant I continued napping on weekends and went to bed early because I was up at night. When I had Nate I was up for the night time feedings but he started sleeping through the night at 10 weeks. It was a beautiful thing. I went back to work when he was 11 weeks old and really needed to sleep the whole night.

About a month before Nate’s first birthday he started waking in the middle of the night and had trouble falling asleep at first. I started bringing him to my bed for fear of falling asleep while I was holding him in the rocking chair and thus began our 3 year battle to get him out of our bed. It wasn’t uncomfortable at first having him there but you are aware of it so you don’t sleep as deeply. He would yell from his crib for one of us and we would argue over who was going to get him. Finally we got him a toddler bed and then he began just appearing in our bed. Over time of course he got bigger and it did become uncomfortable to have him there. This summer I hit my breaking point because my back pain was becoming unbearable and his little feet kicking me all night were not helping. He is all over the place at night and it was driving me crazy.

We moved his new bed into his room 4 weeks ago and he has slept in the bed EVERY night and ALL night. I was afraid that with the change at his school and Love working a new shift that all of our work would fall apart but I have kept him on a consistent schedule and it is working. I come home at 6pm and we eat dinner. We color or play for a little while and then clean up. At 7:30pm I let the dog out and we head to my bed for quiet time where we read and he watches Olivia. At 8pm he goes to his bed with my iPod and watches Mike the Knight. He’s like me and he falls asleep watching TV which is fine. I’m not buying him a TV for his room but he is allowed to borrow my iPod to fall asleep. He is usually fast asleep and snoring by 8:15-8:30pm and only wakes up to go potty and then heads right back to his room.

I’m keeping my fingers crossed that we can keep this going. He’s had the twin mattress since Sunday and he seems more comfortable and is sleeping better and longer. Of course the new no napping policy also went into effect this summer so that is a big help. When he does nap (bad daddy!) he is a nightmare for me at bedtime. The other night I was almost passed out from exhaustion at 10pm and he came in yelling, “Look mommy!” and shoving his hands in my face. He had boogers on almost every finger. I’m all for a clean nose but really?

 His beloved Jake sheets

 Which of course match the Jake blanket

 No napping!

Someone was a little sleepy after a long day

Always Remember

Today is the 11^th anniversary of the September 11^th terrorist attacks on the United States. Living in New York for my entire life it is sometimes hard to remember that on that day there was also death and destruction outside of the Twin Towers. The entire country was affected and we have to remember those killed in Pennsylvania and Washington D.C. Everyone murdered that day was someone’s child and all of them were too young to die.

When I was a kid I remember hearing, “I’ll never forget what I was doing when I heard that _____ died.” Usually people were referring to JFK or Elvis or John Lennon. I will never forget where I was when I heard that the first plane had hit. I worked at a small non-profit and every morning I walked to the convent (yup, one with real nuns) to pick up our newspapers. That beautiful crisp morning I walked in and the switchboard operator was watching the television like she did every morning. This morning something was different. Instead of Maury or Jerry Springer she was watching the news. She told me a plane had hit one of the Twin Towers and we watched as smoke billowed out from the side of the building. I quickly headed back to my office. When I arrived back at the office we turned on the TV and watched the second plane go into the South Tower. We knew then that it was a terrorist attack.

My only thoughts were of my brother. He lived (and still lives) in Brooklyn but he had planned on going into Manhattan to look for a job. I knew it was a long shot that he was even near the Twin Towers but I knew it was probably chaos in the city no matter where he was. I tried calling his cell phone and all I kept getting was a busy signal. I was listening to Howard Stern (who was still on terrestrial radio) and they said that all cell phones were knocked out because the cell tower was on top of one of the Towers. My mother and aunt both called me in a panic and I told them not to worry that Erik would call when he got to a regular phone. He eventually did call and then he watched from his roof as the first tower fell. He was lucky enough to get on a train out of the city before they shut them down and he stayed with us for a few days.

That day was such a shock to me and I only knew 2 people who were there and both got out alive. My second cousin’s husband worked for Xerox and was in the building during the bombing of 1993 and again on 9/11. He survived both but after walking home to Queens that day he vowed to never work in a high rise again. I can’t say that I blame him.

The days and weeks that followed were heart wrenching. I cried every single day and didn’t know if it would ever get better. The fires still burning for days, video of the planes hitting each building, people leaping to their deaths, hoards of people fleeing the buildings as they collapsed, people covered in that white dust, the sound of the firemen’s alarms, photos of the “missing” plastered everywhere, the families crying and pleading for help, the funerals for those whose bodies had been found. The sorrow people must have felt when they finally grasped that their loved ones were not “missing” but among the rubble of those 2 magnificent buildings. I still cannot imagine how those people were able to pull it together and get out of bed. I think I would have lost it.

It is hard to believe that 11 years has passed. My life is completely different than it was then. I moved out of my parents house, got married, lost 35 pounds, bought a house, struggled with infertility, adopted a beagle, gained 40 pounds, gave birth to a healthy baby boy…my life will continue to change and this day will always remain the same. I will always think of the ball in the pit of my stomach and feeling so sad for all of the victims…that feeling is less now but I will never forget.

New Schedule

This week I have felt really off because our schedules have all changed. We had a long weekend for Labor Day and took advantage of Love actually being off and headed Upstate. We came home Sunday night and Tuesday Nate started Pre-K and he did great! His teacher told me he is very smart and she told me yesterday that he is the only kid that pays attention during story time. He’s been a little off lately since he was diagnosed with Fifth Disease so I was really worried about him going back to school. He does well with a schedule so I think he needed to be back. I was off Tuesday and Love began his regular shift at work from 6pm to 2am. I could not fall asleep being in the bed all by myself and with no one watching TV in the living room either. It was a weird feeling but I’m hoping I will adjust sooner rather than later.

Back to the weekend…we went Upstate to visit my in-laws and it was relaxing. I took a nap on Saturday and Sunday and it felt so good. My back was bothering me from the car ride so it was the perfect excuse for a little R&R. On Sunday we went to a local carnival and I think I had more fun than Nate. I REALLY wanted to go on the rides but no one would go on with me and I felt bad leaving everyone. Love made me play a carnie game and I won 2 goldfish! Of course I then realized that I now have to take care of 2 goldfish. We are now outnumbered 2:1, pet to human in my house with a dog, 3 frogs and 2 fish. Did I mention that we named them Hulk & Wolverine? Yeah, no wussie names for our fish.

Wednesday was a little rough going back to work but I am so glad that the cidiots are gone. What’s a cidiot you ask? From Urban Dictionary:

Cidiot

A term that residents of The Hamptons on Long Island have for ill-behaved Manhattanites who visit their town during the summer.

Hamptonites gripe about having to deal with "cidiots" every summer.

I swear it was like the ground opened up and swallowed all of them. Last week I couldn’t go out at lunch because there were cars and people everywhere. This week there is no one around. It is a beautiful thing when the kids go back to school and the East End is somewhat normal again. Here’s to a quiet weekend and a wonderful September!

Beautiful view of the Hudson River and the Vip Van Winkle Bridge

Blue loves Pop Pop's Lazy Boy

So does Nate

Soda Can Scarecrow

I Love This Hat!

Hulk and Wolverine love their new home

Nate had to draw a picture of himself for his first day of school

First Day of Pre-K!

He was excited to see me when I picked him up!

The boys enjoying a quiet rainy afternoon

I Need a Backiotomy

Two weeks ago today I had my epidural and I am happy to report that today is my best day so far. I had my first massage in 3 weeks yesterday and the small amount of pain that I was still experiencing disappeared after 10 minutes on the table. I love my massage therapist because she is similar to a psychic in that she can touch me and know exactly what hurts and why. Anatomy is an amazing thing especially when it comes to pain management. I’m skipping ahead though…let’s start at the beginning.

In 2004 I began having pain in my left calf that was diagnosed as referred pain from 2 herniated disks in my lower back. Eventually the pain was so bad in my leg that I had trouble walking and was basically living on pain pills to get to sleep every night. I finally went to an orthopedist and was diagnosed with a benign tumor in my calf that was in the muscle and attached to nerves. I had it removed and my leg and back both improved. When I was pregnant with Nate in 2008 I had no back pain even with the extra 30 pounds I was carrying and it was a miracle. Over the last 4 years I have had pain on and off because of picking him up and carrying him, yard work, cleaning and honestly because once you have a back injury you are more prone to have another.

In April of this year I started to have pain on my right side and it goes down my butt and my leg – classic sciatic pain. I began going for weekly massages, which helps, and I finally got an appointment to see my neurologist in June. He sent me for an MRI and it revealed that I have central and right herniated disks. He suggested I go to their Pain Management Clinic for an epidural so I could avoid pain pills. I agreed and I am so glad I did.

From what I read online I expected to be there for at least an hour or so because it sounded time consuming so I had my friend drop me off and take Nate to the park. I filled out some forms and they took me right in and asked me to change into a gown (opening in the back) and some black paper shorts. The doctor came in and asked a few questions. Since I have pain on both sides she decided to do a central line so I could have relief on both sides. They took me into a surgical looking room (it was much warmer than an operating room – both temperature and décor) and had me lay on the table face down with a pillow under my stomach. There was a TV monitor above me that showed an x-ray of my back so she could see where she was putting in the epidural. I looked at the floor while the doctor swabbed my back with betadine and she gave me a shot of novacane (not just for dentists!) so I wouldn’t feel anything. She talked me through putting in the epidural and then she said I would feel pressure as she put in the medicine. I felt a weird sensation in my lower back and then down both legs and I was done. She took it out and they removed my IV and I was off to recovery.

It was amazing to have instant relief after months of constant pain. My massage therapist always tells me that she cannot believe that I can tolerate as much pain as I do. I try to not let it affect my daily life because it would be too depressing if I did.  Besides, I have had 2 bouts of kidney stones and gave birth vaginally so on a scale on 1 to kill me I can handle some back pain. I had a follow up appointment last week and I was told that I am a perfect patient and should continue with epidurals as needed. She suggested I lose weight (as if I don’t beat myself up enough about that), swim for cardio (No running! Can you hear me weeping?) and start Pilates and Yoga classes to strengthen my core. Good thing I didn’t mention the 5K I ran 3 days after the procedure. Oops.

I am proud to report that I weighed in this morning and I have lost 3.2 pounds in the last week. I have my first Pilates class today and I am signing Nate up for Preschool swim classes so hopefully he will be swimming on his own soon and we can go swim together. My goal is to take Pilates 2 times a week and Yoga once and do some cardio at least 2 other days. Yoga and Pilates are free at work so I have no excuse not to go…right?

 Looking Sexy ;)

The shorts were one size fits all gigantic people :(

New Bed

Nate is lucky enough to have a big cousin who passes things down to him sometimes. Love and I discussed the need to suck it up and buy Nate a twin sized bed after his birthday. I started looking online at headboards after my mother offered to give me my old mattress and box spring since it was hardly used. Then I got a text from my sister-in-law saying that my nephew was getting a new bed and asking if Nate wanted his race car bed. Of course Nate got really excited (especially since it was Noah’s) and we said yes. They moved the bed when they came down from NH for Nate’s birthday party and it went down to the basement. I knew it would be bigger than his toddler bed but I didn’t realize how big it actually is.

My house is tiny and my brother-in-law and sister-in-law have a huge house. Noah’s room is easily 3 times the size of Nate’s. Nate’s room is closer to the size of Noah’s closet (which I am really jealous of…do you know what I could do with all that closet space?!?!) and he has a lot of stuff packed into the room already. Last week we finally made to leap and Love and his father moved the bed upstairs. I almost cried when I realized that it takes up half of the room. I pulled myself together because Nate was so excited and I moved some stuff around and made it work. I’m not thrilled with how tight the room is now but it’s not that much bigger than a regular twin bed and it makes him really happy so who cares.

The goal with all of this was to get him to sleep in his own bed (he will never have a sibling if he doesn’t) and I was surprised that after a few nights of back and forth he actually slept for 5 nights in a row in the bed. He came into my bed Sunday night but I think it was because there is a lot of change going on. He finished summer camp Friday, my parents came home from vacation Saturday and he slept over their house Monday night. He’s really excited to start Pre-K next week but he is nervous too. He also has the toddler mattress in the bed right now because we have to pick up the twin from my parents. Hopefully we can do that this week and get him back to sleeping on his own. I’m going to bribe him with Avengers sheets after his first day of Pre-K and it better work!

 With the toddler mattress and bedding we still have room for stuffed animals, a box of tissues, a sippy cup and a stack of books!

 I decided it was time to pick a theme and stick with it...I removed all of the Toy Story wall decals but Nate made me keep the HUGE Jessie because, "She is Izzy's best friend" so I moved the Jake stickers all around Jessie to make him happy

 See how small the room is? Nate has too may toys!

Even his dresser is covered in toys and books

I Lost My Best Friend

It wasn’t a fiery car wreck, a heart attack or even cancer…I lost my best friend to another woman. You’re probably thinking I should man up and move on with my life but I am still sad months after it happened. Let me first make it clear that my best friend was a man, someone who was like a brother to me, well sort of since he ogled my breasts a lot…so maybe that’s not a good comparison. He was actually like my best girlfriend only in a man’s body. He hung out at my house at least once a week (usually after our Weight Watchers meeting) and we texted every day and chatted on the phone sometimes too. And then it happened…the texts were much less frequent…and only during business hours…and now, sadly sometimes weeks go by without a text.

I consider myself smart so I UNDERSTAND why I no longer have a best friend but it doesn’t mean I have to like it. I miss our silly conversations and having someone who was at war with his weight like I am and most of all seeing my son light up when he saw Uncle Mikey at the front door. Now Nate doesn’t even ask for Uncle Mikey. My 4-year old has accepted that he is gone but at 35 I cannot comprehend what happened.

Okay, okay that was a little dramatic. Here’s the deal…Mike had a HUGE crush on this girl and after his recent weight loss (around 140 pounds) the ladies were finally noticing him. This particular girl realized he was into her and when he made his move she was into it. And they lived happily ever after. Well, at least I hope they do. My former bestie found a great woman and for months he has been really happy and that makes me really happy…and sad at the same time.

I don’t need therapy or anything to deal with it; I just need some time to readjust to life without him. Honestly, I have more time on my hands at work without my phone going off all day and I can come home after Weight Watchers and take off my bra and relax instead of socializing. BUT I miss having my emotional friend (as my husband called him – BTW they were friends before I was friends with him) around to talk to about anything and everything. Now when we do talk we have to catch up because it’s been so long. It’s a weird feeling and sometimes I feel like I should just write off the whole relationship but that would be even weirder.

The only comparison I have is when I was 16 and my best friend met a boy and started dating him. We drifted apart because of him and then she got pregnant and that was the end of our friendship. We spent so much time together and all of a sudden she was gone and I was heartbroken. As a teenager I guess you expect friendships to end and you move on and make new friends. At 35 I don’t see myself making a new friend and moving on. Maybe I’ll advertise on Craig’s List for a 40-year old, single, balding, 350 pound man who has no intention of losing the weight…or maybe I will finally except that my best friend has finally found happiness.

 I love a self portrait with a friend :)

This was at my brother's wedding when we were both heavier - but look at how happy we are! Fat AND Happy lol!

This is his new bestie (and my son and her daughter). He caught a good one and her daughter is a wonderful little girl :)

Back to School…er Work

I am back to work today…begrudgingly. Having 8 days off was a little piece of heaven. It was the first time I have been off in recent memory that I had no set plans (except a few appointments) and it was all about Nate and I doing whatever we wanted…or nothing at all. It was also the most relaxing vacation I’ve ever had. I didn’t think of work at all and better yet, I didn’t get ONE text from the boss. August is the perfect time for vacation because most people are off so I can come back to work and not feel overwhelmed.  Okay so that really didn’t happen but I was hoping for it anyway. Coming back to 100 emails (I had 40 in my junk box in addition to the 65 in my inbox) felt very manageable and I was excited to get through them by noon so I could take a much needed break (it’s day 1 so give me some breathing room!).

A quick run down of the staycation…

Wednesday

We had 4 separate thunder and lightning storms pass through over the course of the early morning until late night. The dog was petrified and I had to drop and pick up Nate at school and run errands in torrential rains. I almost pulled over at one point because I couldn’t even see my lane in front of me. Not a great start to the vacation. The afternoon nap was better but the headache that accompanied it was not so great. I forgot that you cannot take any pain meds for 5 days prior to an epidural so I was stuck with a sinus headache and no drugs. I went to bed early.

Thursday

It was a beautiful day outside because all of the rain had actually broken the heat wave that has been hanging around for about 2 months.  I cleaned up around the house in the morning knowing that I had my epidural at 2:30 and would be out of commission for the rest of the day. I took it easy though because I had to fast all day which was NOT easy. Being home and fasting was torture and going to the grocery store was a BAD move. I had to have my friend come with me so she could drive me home (and watch Nate while I had it done). I anticipated it taking forever since the waiting room was PACKED. I was done in 20 minutes and even got a snack on the way out! They gave me written instructions and told me 5 times to rest for a few days. They obviously don’t know me but I promised to be good for the rest of the day. Love made us dinner and I stayed in bed. It was amazing how much better I felt but I will tell you more about that in another post.

Friday

I hit a local tiny beach after dropping Nate at school and it was wonderful. Just me, my beach chair and my book. I should have done that every morning because it was so peaceful and relaxing. Looking back I really needed that because I picked Nate up early and we headed to the pediatrician for his 4 year visit and it was anything but peaceful. He did not want her to examine his penis and testicles – and really who can blame the kid? A year ago he was still in diapers and didn’t care but now that he is a big boy and potty trained he knows that his penis is private and was not happy. He then had a major freak out when he found out he needed shots – 4 of them. I was so upset because he was so upset. They had to bring someone in to hold his arm while I kept him on my lap like a prisoner. He was screaming and crying and I felt like the worst mommy ever. Luckily when we left the office they were closed for lunch so he was the last patient. He surely would have scared off most kids if they had been there. So what does a mama who feels badly for her little boy do? Take him shopping of course! He got a few hot wheels cars and some books and we got him the last of his clothes for the fall. By the time we got home I was ready for bed so Love made dinner again (are we sensing a pattern here?).

Saturday

This was my planned relaxation day since Love was around to help out. Nate and I had swim in the morning and then we enjoyed a lazy Saturday. The rain helped convince me that we should stay in the house and lay around all day. I read my book and watched some TV and even did some laundry and cooked dinner.

Sunday

I signed up for a 5K in June and then I stopped running because of my back and the heat. The heat and I do not get along when it comes to running. I am already slow and the heat really drags me down. Since I had the epidural I was feeling better but I still decided to run a mile, walk a mile and run the last 1.2 miles. It was a great compromise and my back felt great afterwards. I did it in 44 minutes which is great considering I walked the middle mile…okay great for me since I am like a slug when I run. Nate and Love came with me to cheer me on which was so nice. I had my two men excited to see me cross the finish line and it helped get me through that last half mile. We had some breakfast at the Princess Diner (THE best spinach and feta omelet you will ever eat) and headed home so I could nap. I woke up still feeling a bit beat up so Love made dinner again. The night ended with True Blood and some wine. Perfect end to a Sunday for me.

Monday

Our dog has been having “accidents” on our living room carpet lately. I don’t really see them as accidents as much as I think he is just too lazy or scared to go outside so he just does his business in the kitchen or living room. We ran out of carpet cleaner so I went online and looked up a home remedy (more on that in another post) for the urine and the odor. I bought a gallon of white vinegar, a box of baking soda and a bottle of peroxide, came home and immediately went to work. By the time Love came home he said the house didn’t smell of dog pee at all (thankfully because frankly it was gross) but there was baking soda everywhere. It had to dry completely so we gated off the area for the night. I can’t even remember who cooked that night but I’m sure it was Love.

Tuesday

Sensing that my vacation was coming to a close and knowing that the alarm installer was coming the next day I spent most of the morning cleaning the house and especially the basement. I filled the new tote bins and finally put away the Easter decorations (yeah, it took me that long) and I felt such accomplishment. I was getting sad about my vacation ending so Nate and I had a lazy afternoon around the house.

Wednesday

Could it really be over? I woke up dreading that it was the last day to do everything I planned to do in the last week. The alarm guy showed up at 9:30am and didn’t leave until 12:30pm so I honestly only had time to vacuum quick and grab a bag with some stuff for Nate. He decided he wanted to go to the aquarium and the park and I willingly agreed. The weather was perfect and we even timed it so we were able to see the Sea Lion show. We got home just before Love and I made grilled cheese for dinner. It was about all the energy I could muster before moving on the dishes and getting myself ready to go back to the real world.

I wonder if this is what a stay at home mom goes through week after week. I won’t ever know but it was kind of nice to live it for a week. Coming back to work is never as bad as I think it will be. Am I tired? Of course. Did I have a great day? No, but it wasn’t terrible either. Tomorrow is Friday and I am really looking forward to the weekend.

Random Ramblings

The past 3 weeks have been a whirlwind of work, eating, booze, backaches, not enough sleep and certainly not enough family time. My job requires me to work like a dog for the months of June and July and the first 2 weeks of August and then I have a meltdown where I get super bitchy…but only to my husband…lucky guy (but it explains the need for booze!)

Nate’s birthday fell the day before our big event this year so I ended up crying hysterically as he opened his present which he hated (but now LOVES, fancy that) and the next day my mother told me I looked like hell (keep the compliments coming and don’t hold back please!). Perhaps the crying contributed to my appearance since my parents showed up 20 minutes after our shared meltdown or maybe it was the 4 HOURS IN THE BLAZING SUN AT 95 DEGREES AND 100 PERCENT HUMIDITY. Maybe I’m just a little too sensitive when I am under extreme duress…

The day of the event is always fine (except again for the 100 % humidity and the fact that the flaps to the tent were closed when I showed up for work) and goes by pretty quickly until the very end of the night when we are 10 hours in and I just want to crawl into my bed…but we still have to bring truckload after truckload of stuff back to our office. Even a delicious burger at the Diner couldn’t lift my spirits this year. I don’t know what it was but something was really off and it felt like a big letdown when it was all over.

Aimee and I enjoying working on a Saturday night

Last week was the never ending post event cleanup around the office and with each passing day I got more tired and my back hurt more. I don’t think I made dinner once last week and when I weighed in last week the scale did not lie. I have not gone to a Weight Watchers meeting in 6 weeks and I could tell I gained just by my clothes. I have been back on track since Friday and I am STARVING!!! I even went running today for the first time in 6 weeks…time to get back on track.

As for my back, I have new herniated disks in the center and right side with sciatica so I’m going for an epidural on Thursday. I’ve been told that if you had a successful epidural during childbirth then you are a great candidate for this. I had a wonderful experience and could have kissed my anesthesiologist, but since I know him because we work together I thought it might be uncomfortable.

I have one more day until my stay-cation and I cannot stress enough how much I need some time off. My boss actually asked me if tomorrow is my last day and I got excited as if tomorrow is my last day EVER. A girl can dream can’t she?

Valium Would be Great Right About Now...

Ever have a day where you want to tell every person you come in contact with to just go fuck themselves? If your answer is no then you should probably head to another blog. If the answer is yes then you pretty much know how my day is going. You don't even need the specifics of my day to feel my pain. Just in case you do though here it is...I have had at least one person give me a job to do that is not my job (and its a REALLY shitty job)...I showed up for an appointment and there was no one at the check in desk (oh well, guess I can't pay you then!)...and I caught attitude from an employee because he can't do his job so he got transferred and he thinks the blame lies with the employees who asked that he actually do his job. People suck today (okay everyday) and I want to go home and lay in a hot tub with a glass of wine and forget that Wednesday ever happened...not that I want to do it again...hell no, let's just keep the week moving because Sunday can't come fast enough. Um yeah, I have to work for 12 hours on Saturday so Sunday is what I am holding on to for my own sanity.

Charlie and Nate

Last week was full of excitement and Nate's party was the tail end of it. On Wednesday Nate and I went to Brooklyn to stay with my brother and his wife to babysit for their 5 1/2 month old son Charlie. My parents were still on vacation and Charlie's day care was closed so I offered my help since I planned to take Thursday and Friday off to prepare for Nate's party.

Things went much better than I had hoped. Nate was helpful and was very good at keeping himself occupied while I tended to Charlie's needs. Nate can be very jealous of Charlie so he gets in his face a little too much and hugs him a little too tightly. I'm trying to work with him on that...and his constant whining that he NEEDS me. I was very excited that Charlie was really good for me for both days. I'm a planner and I like a schedule so I fed him every four hours and that gave us enough time for diaper changes, naps and play time before he would get fussy again and be looking for another bottle. We were able to go to the park by my brother's apartment on Thursday and Friday we ran some errands on the way back to my house and Charlie was an angel. It was nice to get some quality time with the little guy and I was happy to help out my brother. I also realized what it would be like to have 2 kids and I am not ready for another right now. I took a lot of pictures so here they are...

 Charlie is a really happy baby

 Nate NEVER held his bottle...his didn't have cool handles

 First Nap of the Day

 Nate loves a good swing

 So Does Charlie!

 Nate opted for the baby swing since I could

push them both at the same time

 Somebody woke up happy!

 Freaking Adorable!

 Fun in the afternoon :)

 Last Ride in the Swing

 Nate helped with Bath Time

 Jammie Time

 Somebody got sleepy again

 Love wanted to know how it was going so I sent him this

 We had a crazy storm Thursday night

 Back at my house on Friday hangin' on the couch

 We took a quick trip to 7-11 and Charlie passed out in the car

 He started fussing so I broke out the Bjorn so I could get some stuff cleaned...he loved it and we even watched The Newsroom while walking around the livingroom so I got a little exercise :)
and yes I would always look this bad if I had 2 kids :(

 Somebody has a tooth coming in!

 I loved how Charlie kept grabbing on to Nate while they watched Mickey Mouse on the iPad together.

oh no! Charlie left his favorite toys behind :(